Video Game Addiction: Leaving Virtuality

Conquered RPG's: 20 Years of Virtuality

2006-07-17T21:33:00.000-06:00

The following is a compilation of every RPG that I’ve ever finished in completion, which took me approximately 20 years to finish. While this is not an attempt to brag or exude a prideful demeanor, it does show that I have experience with gaming. In part this list is meant to show just how much gaming I accomplished, but also to establish my credibility with you all so that you realize I’m discussing a topic that I know quite intimately. Many of you will recognize a number of these titles, while some of them may be unfamiliar to you. As a side note, some of these games are more categorized as “Action RPG’s,” but all of them were more or less RPG’s as we define them. Without further garrulousness then, have at it!!

NES

Dragon Warrior
Dragon Warrior II
Dragon Warrior III
Dragon Warrior IV
Destiny of Emperor
Final Fantasy
The Legend of Zelda
Ultima I: Exodus
Wizardry II
Zelda II: The Adventures of Link

Turbo Graphics 16

Order of the Griffon

Super NES

Actraiser
Breath of Fire
Breath of Fire II
Chrono Trigger
Eye of the Beholder
Final Fantasy II (US)
Final Fantasy III (US)
Illusion of Gaia
Lord of the Rings: Volume I
Lufia
Lufia II
Secret of Mana
Shadow Run
Soul Blazer
Super Metroid
Zelda: A Link to the Past
7^th Saga

Playstation

Castlevania: Symphony of the Night
Chrono Cross
Blood Omen: Legacy of Kain
Breath of Fire III
Breath of Fire IV
Dragon Warrior VII
Final Fantasy Chronicles
Final Fantasy Anthology
Final Fantasy VII
Final Fantasy VIII
Final Fantasy IX
Final Fantasy Tactics
Final Fantasy: Mystic Quest
Grandia
Legend of Dragoon
Legend of Mana
Persona
Persona II
Saga Frontier
Saga Frontier II
Soul Reaver
Star Ocean: 2^nd Story
Suikoden
Suikoden II
Tales of Destiny
Tales of Destiny II
Valkyrie Profile
Wild Arms
Wild Arms II
Xenogears

Playstation 2

Baldur’s Gate: Dark Alliance
Baldur’s Gate: Dark Alliance II
Blood Omen: Legacy of Kain II
Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter
Chaos Legion
Devil May Cry
Devil May Cry II
Dynasty Warriors III
Excalibur
Final Fantasy X
Final Fantasy X2
Forever Kingdom
Grandia II
Grandia Extreme
Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
Rygar
Shadow Hearts
Soul Reaver II
Star Ocean III: Till the End of Time
Suikoden III
Wild Arms III
Xenosaga: Part I
.Hack I: Infection
.Hack II: Mutation
.Hack III: Outbreak
.Hack IV: Quarantine

On-Line

Final Fantasy XI Online
World of Warcraft

Diablo II
Septerra Core
Wizardry VII: Crusaders of the Dark Savant

Total Games Played

-90 games played over 20 years at an average of 60 hours (World of Warcraft was more like 400 hours) a piece equals about 5,750 hours of game play. This does not include game research, strategizing with Word and Excel documents, or time spent reading game guides or manuals when needed.

-To put this into perspective, if I was to have played these 5,750 hours straight without stopping, it would equate to 239.6 days of continual game play at 24 hours/day without a break. I figure that we could add in another 300 hours worth of strategizing and planning on top of this figure (a very liberal estimate at that), thus bringing our figure up to about 252 days.

The Harbinger

Letter to Kurt and Olivia Bruner

2006-07-17T21:23:00.000-06:00

June 15, 2006

Alright, let’s take a look at Chapter 4 of Playstation Nation and go through the numerous things that I noticed could be expounded upon or I related to. Those driving forces were of course good, so lets take a look at them real quick:

· Beating the Game: It’s all about following through, finishing what you start and taking things through their natural course. I think that these attributes I just described go hand-in-hand with being a man/woman of your word, but would probably be more vital in real life situations rather than justification for playing a game (I used these frequently in justifying my extensive gaming sessions).

· Competition: You wouldn’t believe the bragging rights and status that comes with games; not to mention the feelings of affirmation that come with others asking you for help with their game. I used to visit sites where people would write their own RPG game walkthroughs and strategy guides and hidden level guides, and the individuals that wrote them were the authorities on their specific topics, so they always had people e-mailing them or asking questions. I liked when I could suggest different courses of action and have people asking me what the best character setup was. It felt good to “feel” important.

· Mastery: Much like the first driving force, if you are going to do something, than do it all the way. I was the type of person that wanted to not only finish the game, but I wanted my character or party of characters to be a virtual killing machine that could literally take anything out in the game. If there were special games that would net secret or epic items then I would spend days attempting to obtain them; if there were numerous bonus dungeons then I would hit them all to test my mettle and see just how much all my hard work and hours had really accomplished.

· Exploration: This is of course the only way to complete a game, but also one of the most time consuming things that one must go through.

· High Score: RPG’s have a number of “mini games” that allow you to obtain some of the most helpful and powerful items/weapons/armor in a game, and are thus made to be fun and very challenging. People will write 20-50 page strategy guides on how best to obtain all the items, which could take you literally days to complete.

· Story-driven Role Play: People play them for a number of reasons, and like you stated, people want to know what is going to happen. I’ve watched the storylines get more and more in-depth over the years, and getting to watch that story play out is what keeps you coming back. Also, those FMV’s add a great deal of enjoyment as they provide great graphics and sound, but continue to develop the storyline.

· Relationships: Well, being member of the gaming community entails some level of relationship-building, because you will inevitably get to know others that share a common interest with you. One of the things that my wife didn’t like was the online options i.e. (World of Warcraft) to join groups of people that I could constantly chat with on an instant message system within the game. While this was a vital tool for collaborative efforts amongst party members, I think that the open nature of that chat session bothered her, because I could literally spend hours talking with these people on a regular basis. Conversations were commonly aimed at game-related subjects, but there’s always the regularized chatting about other subjects outside the game, and I think that’s the part that bothered her. Traditional game consoles are now building this option into their systems, thereby giving the PC industry some competition, while also giving their customers more options.

I distinctly remember the section where you mentioned that games can become a replacement for real life, and I think that is can be true. While the majority of gamers realize that games are simply “games,” there are those that more than likely use them to fill a void in their life. Since games provide a virtual landscape where we can do the impossible, the attraction is there for people to become addicted to this. Like I mentioned in my first month’s journalizing, one of the benefits of gaming for me was being able to explore castles, caves, kill vile creatures and save the world from utter destruction. While I never used this myself to fill the void or replace things that I couldn’t do in real life, I think that some people use games to substitute for the lack of excitement or potential that they might have. What they don’t realize is that potential has to be developed, and playing games won’t develop potential allowing us to truly face real life issues. With this in mind, you also mentioned the fact that people play because they want to live out that idealism of being a hero; of being someone special or unique that can do amazing things. However, life isn’t about being a hero in the sense of saving the world or destroying an invading army of orcs and trolls. The hero that we envision is simply living life, doing the right thing, safeguarding our families and living for others. Those are the type of people that achieve notoriety, not the person sitting in front of the television for hours each day, and while many people don’t aspire to heroism anyway, they could at least be trying to make a difference in their sphere of influence.

On the other hand, I can understand people who want to partly buy into being a part of something that they in all reality can’t, because there is some level of excitement in that. When it becomes dangerous is when we use this to substitute for real life and begin blowing off obligations, friends and family in the pursuit of virtual fulfillment. Some of the people interviewed in your book mentioned that one thing they liked about games was that no one judged them and they found respect in gaming that they otherwise didn’t receive in their real lives. One thing I’ve learned over the years is that people will look for ways to obtain affirmation, respect and positive reinforcement, and if they have to do so through a virtual medium where their job, grades in school, physical makeup, income or reputation are unknown and irrelevant, then they will do it. However, like I stated before, playing games isn’t going to change those things in their real lives either, and that time spent gaming could be used in pursuit of obtaining an education, searching for that better job, improving physical fitness or developing concrete and established relationships.

In Chapter 5 you mention that games also don’t require any level of risk or sacrifice, which sort of goes together with the growing movement toward immediate gratification and wanting everything now. In games you can fail, but those failures rarely have permanent impacts on the game. While I might miss obtaining a really good item in a game if I don’t find it or don’t finish a mini game, I do have the save function available, which means that I can always start over again. The only risk or requirement of gaming then is our dedication to completing them, the money to purchase them and the numerous hours of time they take to work through. In real life we might not get a second chance at doing something, and our inability or willingness to act or do something right can have everlasting consequences. In gaming we can complete in hours what it would take a real person a lifetime to finish, so this idea that things come easy can be disconcerting when people realize that real life forces us to really give of ourselves and make tough decisions in order to accomplish a desired outcome. While I think that most gamers have a sense of this and recognize that real life isn’t the same as virtual life, I think that it does bring up some interesting points of discussion.

Lastly, in Chapter 6 discuss the fact that people use games as a form of escapism, and I think that there are those who use it for such a reason, but I think that a good number of people primarily games due to those driving forces from Chapter 4. Most people’s intention of gaming is for the aspect of enjoyment and challenge, and while it could become a way to circumnavigate dealing with real life, I think that people at least “start” with the basic mindset of simply having fun. Whether the reasons for playing eventually change, or the gaming becomes an unhealthy pastime, I think that the reasons people play games is quite relevant. Much like one’s justification for drinking is vitally important in determining whether it’s healthy or unhealthy (or could potentially become so in the future), I think that gaming can be viewed in the same manner. However, whether the reason for playing is harmless or of concern, the potential does exist for those people spending the majority of their time playing games to lose out in the experience of real life. It’s hard to learn about being a man if you’ve never had to really deal with situations or consequences that would make you a man.

The Harbinger

Letter to Kurt and Olivia Bruner

2006-07-17T21:20:00.000-06:00

June 13, 2006

Dear Kurt and Olivia,

Well, I’ve read the first 3 chapters of the book Playstation Nation, and I must say that it is an enjoyable read. I think that you’ve captured the concern of parents that have children gaming on a regularized basis, but you’ve also given both the parents and gamers something to think about with all the professional references and medical studies. This validates your main points and lends a great deal of credibility to your overarching theme. Since I’ve been thinking about beginning something of a book (as soon as Kurt and I can sort of hash that out), I think that the hardest mental obstacle for me will be attempting not to really anger the gaming community, and I think that it’s all how you present the information. You’ve done a fine job of not demonizing gaming or the gamers themselves, but instead used an awareness campaign and personal testimonies to illustrate that a very real threat does exist.

While reading Chapter 2 I found a number of things that I would like to expound upon, because so much of what you said is true and really hit home for me. Who knows, I might even have some insight or add depth to some of what you said. I distinctly remember the portion of this chapter where you mention some warning signals or red flags that could be signs of gaming addiction. Kim McDaniel was cited as saying that two important signs to monitor are withdrawal and isolation. I think that I can speak to this with utmost certainty, because I spent a good deal of time isolating myself so that I could have time for games, and while I’ve never rationalized this as antisocial, I do know that I’ve shut bedroom, fraternity and dorm room doors a number of times so that I could concentrate on my game, not get distracted by friends and subsequently die during a critical battle. I’ve even unplugged the phone on a number of occasions so that I wouldn’t have to talk to anyone or be interrupted by the phone ringing. The worst thing that can happen when you’re playing is to have someone try and talk to you, and then have to purposely tune them out so you can concentrate on your game, and I know that I’ve done this hundreds of times with family and friends. RPG’s just don’t allow for idle chatter and discussion when so much of your attention has to be focused upon that crucial moment of victory or defeat, and anyone who’s spent an hour retracing their steps or fighting that 25-30 minute boss battle over again knows exactly what I mean. If you wanted too see me get frustrated real quick, just come and ask me a question or make a request while I was gaming: not a good idea.

This then ties directly into the point made about withdrawal and turning people down on their invitations to do something. Due to the fact that RPG’s take such a great deal of time (60-100 hours for consoles; 1000 or more hours for MMORPG’s), energy, planning and concentration, telling people that I couldn’t come with them to do something seemed perfectly understandable. Don’t get my wrong; I spent tons of time with friends bar hopping, going to parties, working out at the gym and other things, but my game time had precedence when the system was up and running. While there are some people that basically have no social lives at all, or would take part-time jobs to allow for more gaming time, I still had an active social life and enjoyed my friends, but that also meant that I would end up filling my personal time with gaming. It was of course easier for me to play with friends and game when the people I hung out with loved gaming as well, and I can recall situations where a friend and I would spend an entire weekend both playing games together. For example, my friend Josh and I both started Destiny of an Emperor for NES at the same time. What we did was get together on Friday afternoon at his house, hook up our NES and then both play on different televisions in different parts of the house. Then we would call one another and make suggestions, strategize and provide hints to the other so that we could both keep at about the same point in the game, and this was totally normal for us. Now, sometimes he would be on the PC and me on the NES or SNES, and we could then be in the same room and still talk, but this is something that the both of us enjoyed. However, this sort of interaction didn’t really lend itself to developing our relationship as friends, but did lead to a good deal of virtual character development.

You also mentioned the fact that people can still play a game whether or not they’re physically sitting in front of the monitor or television, and this is quite correct. One of our (Josh and I) favorite pastimes was discussing our games over the phone, after school, at baseball practice, in the car or while doing something else. When you aren’t gaming you are still thinking about it, and that is again verifiable of RPG’s. Josh and I would always plan and strategize our next gaming session, or discuss our leveling plan for a character with one another, because it was a way to validate our line of thought with one another. We were quite analytical, detailed and meticulous with how we allowed our characters to develop in order to maximize their potential within the limited leveling ceilings (most game character levels typically cap at 99), and there were numerous occasions where one or both of us would get 30 hours into a game, find out that we could have done something different and then start over from scratch. The idea that if you are going to do something right, do it the first time was like scripture with gaming, because we didn’t want to play the same game over and over, but move onto the next one. Over time however, I think that I might have surpassed Josh in my dedication and planning phase of gaming, because I started creating spreadsheets for character development plans, making my own maps, printing out numerous strategy guides from the internet, and then spent hours pouring over literally hundreds of pages of information in my off-time to ensure that I was the strongest that I could be by endgame.

Now, the restlessness and irritability were also a component, but that just came with the territory. While planning and strategizing I was always nervous, restless and a little irritable, because I always wanted to go back and put those ideas to work within my game, and when it worked I felt great. When things went awry though, look out, people! I used to get so upset that I would curse, throw my controller (I went through about 4 PS/PS2 controllers after they were subsequently broken from my throwing them against the wall or floor), and then take it out on anyone that bothered me. I would usually find one or both of my parents at the door to my room attempting to assuage my anger by stating that it was just a game. My response was, “You don’t even know what you are talking about, so why would I listen to you? It’s not just a game to me, but I wouldn’t expect someone like you to understand!” Of course the worst thing I remember encountering was a parent telling me that I couldn’t play, and that commonly led to open war with them, because I wasn’t ever the type of child to just say, “Okay, mom, I can play later.” Gaming definitely got to a point (quite early, in fact) where I took it very seriously, and I didn’t like anyone interfering with my hobby in any regard. This was also evident most recently with what Julie and I experienced, but that was all detailed in my first month of journalizing, so I need not repeat that here. Our experience together was more like the icing on the cake!

My favorite quote, which basically summarized the gaming experience, was this: “…the easiest way to spike someone’s adrenaline is to make him think that he is going to die.” It just doesn’t get any truer than that! Like I mentioned in the first month’s journal, there are a number of physical symptoms that I would experience while gaming, and I think that the adrenaline does start to pump when you know that you are going to vanquish your foe, or when you realize he/she has the upper-hand on you. A good deal of RPG’s is simply getting to that next boss, and it’s probably my favorite part of RPG’s, because it’s like taking exams in school. All the game bosses along the way are like your mid-terms or quizzes, while the final boss or bosses are your final exam, and let’s face it, fighting a boss is a “zero sum game:” someone wins and someone loses. That fear of virtual defeat is what keeps you sharp, and it’s also a source of some stress and anxiety as well (at least it was for me). No one wants to say that they got annihilated by some boss, and its bragging rights in the community to say that you defeated some extremely hard or nearly impossible creature on the first run. Such heroics are status, a source of pride and makes others want to know, “How did you do it?” This is of course more prevalent within the MMORPG gaming arena, since you can just click on someone and talk with them in instant messages. Anyway, you get the point…

You also mentioned that a continued and increasing interest in gaming is correlated to the technological advancements that we see regularly. Gaming tends to be at the cutting edge of graphics, sound and interactive on-line or console technologies, and that’s because they employ some of the most talented software developers, programmers, concept artists, storyboard developers and designers. For example, Blizzard (the developers of the internationally renowned World of Warcraft universe) asks that their employees have an intimate knowledge and interest in their products, and I would venture to say that a good deal of their staff is quite familiar with WOW. I mean, if I was going to work for a game developer I would more than likely be a diehard fan of their games, which would make me want to give everything at work to create the best possible product. Why? Obviously because I would more than likely be playing it on my off-time!!

As the graphics have continued to improve (I’m focusing upon RPG’s here), so to has the want of more. Games with state-of-the-art graphic do well, because people want to experience those new graphical advancements, especially since some RPG’s aren’t known for having the best graphics. Heck, I loved those games where you had a good number of full motion videos (FMV’s), because it was literally like watching a movie, and I would play hours on end just to reach the next sequence (take the Final Fantasy series for example). The gaming industry is also quite aggressive and inventive in how they market these products as well. While games used to be tailored towards children, now you see more and more grown men and women playing, because the games appeal to a more mature audience. Many RPG’s include sexual references and innuendo, socially relevant topics like free will, environmental issues, biogenetics, and other moral/social/political storylines that allow for a more in-depth and engaging storyline. More and more, gaming has become a subculture appealing to the intellectually-minded and more computer literate individual, and millions of children and adults internationally are quickly joining this movement. Games aren’t just about killing monsters, exploring caverns, battling your way to your nemesis and saving the world anymore, but have become increasingly more complex, diversified, and appeal to a greater base of personalities.

Making a few quick comments in regards to Chapter 3, I would totally agree with you both that the MMORPG’s are the most engaging, and are quickly becoming the future of gaming. WOW currently boasts more than 5 million active gamers worldwide, and this figure will only continue to increase over the next year, especially since the WOW Expansion Pack release is just around the corner. While consoles will of course retain their status, MMORPG’s do have a number of advantages that some consoles don’t offer, which is the ability to play with 100,000 or more other people at the same time, chat with instant messaging, fight epic 10-40 person battles that can last up to an average 40 hour workweek, literally thousands of quests, and years to months worth of exploration (depending upon how much you play). Good MMORPG’s also host numerous websites for game support, hints, guides, and walkthroughs, and provide discussion forums or blogs where players can discuss their virtual lives outside the game.

As the interviewed Pepperdine student (by the way, Julie knows him) exemplifies, you can be very successful, smart, and social while still gaming, and you guys were never saying that one can’t. Without being arrogant or boastful, I think that I would also fit the bill of someone that had a fairly good balance in life while actively gaming, but that’s not the point that you were trying to convey, was it? The purpose of this chapter was to relate that gaming takes a great deal of time that could otherwise be used for personal and professional development, realizing ones potential, building strong social networks and spending time with family. While gaming is slowly becoming a more communal activity, for the most part that social interaction requires one to do so through a virtual interface medium, so the quality and degree of relationships can only go so far.

Well, these are my thoughts on the first few chapters, and hopefully this adds something for you: I know that it did for me. I look forward to reading the rest of your book, and really hope that we can get together with you soon to just have some fun and get to know one another better. I look forward to hearing from you soon!

The Harbinger

Following Up

2006-07-17T21:15:00.000-06:00

June 8, 2006

Kurt Bruner and I met at “It’s a Grind” last week to go over my first month’s journal entries, and I think that we both came away with a good deal more than previously expected. Kurt provided me with direction toward gleaning more depth from my gaming experience and giving me an understanding of how I can expound upon what I started with the journal. Kurt and I discussed that the 30-day journal was a great free association starting point, but that greater analysis of my experience and feelings could really add a great deal to this exercise. Now, the first 30 days was primarily a way for me to reflect upon my feelings regarding not gaming anymore, what circumstances lead to this decision and my reactions/interactions with Julie during this time. What we discovered was that my attribution to this “cold turkey” attempt to stop gaming was markedly tailored toward Julie’s wishes that I not continue playing, and thus the topic centered on this arrangement. I internalized the whole experience as fulfilling the wishes of my wife and maintaining the status quo, and that was the driving force behind quitting, because Julie had come to a point where she wasn’t sure if we could continue in the pattern and circumstances we were embroiled in. In other words, I interpreted not gaming in context of Julie’s disapproval solely, which means that I quite because she wanted me too, not due to any true feelings that I really needed to. Obviously when things started to become more complicated and heated discussion ensued it became an issue of my role as husband to my wife, but I still quite for and because of Julie and not for myself. The journal thus reads more as the arrangement that Julie and I made for me not playing, but fails to discuss other aspects of this whole process (i.e. the role of a man in marriage, being a man generally, God’s calling of men, etc.).

Kurt mentioned that the journal was written quite well (thanks, Kurt), but found that the very goal he envisioned for me was not met. Kurt’s hope was that I would have come to a point where my reasoning would logically take me beyond Julie’s disapproval and to a profound realization that I was called as a man to certain roles and responsibilities, and that gaming was hindering this. Whereas I viewed Julie as the reason or “why” of my not gaming, Kurt was looking for an internal transformation of mind that would lead me to comprehend that Julie was merely the vessel or tool used by God to pass a message. The only role that Julie really played was creating the environment and situations needed to end my gaming days, but unbeknownst to me was not the reason herself (which is how I internalized her). Now, if she wasn’t (or shouldn’t have been) the reason that I quite, then what other avenues do I need to explore to come to a point where I understand this occurrence as mutually exclusive of her?

I think that I have this natural tendency to discount God’s hand in things such as this, because how could God want to not continue doing something that gives me such fulfillment, happiness and contentment (or perchance a false sense of these attributes)? Kurt took the time to explain this to me, and a good deal of it makes sense to me. I think that he views (I may have read him wrong) my gaming as an attempt to cling firmly to a habit that has lasted me for 20 years of my life and the thought of quitting this habit or hobby is like asking me to stop breathing. Now that I’m a man, there are expectations and responsibilities that come with that, and games cannot reasonably coexist with this calling, because I devote too much time, energy and dedication to them, whereas my energies should be siphoned toward living as a man. In Kurt’s view, games are an outward expression of childishness, wasteful of time, and keep one from truly realizing our potential. Put in a more spiritual sense, God places man on earth for a purpose, and gaming takes time, energy and attention away from fulfilling those things that the Lord calls us toward: to marry and raise a family. I guess that you could say I’ve spent more time in virtual character development than I have in my own character development, which does have some inherent limiting factors. Anyway, I was just trying to explain how I think Kurt feels about gaming, so hopefully I captured that authentically.

I guess what I came away with from our discussion is that I really need to take a look at the fact that I should have quite games for me, that my life should be more than a collection of virtual world conquering, and that the Lord engineered the end of my gaming career with Julie as his messenger. She isn’t to blame for her inability to coexist with gaming, because God probably had it planned that way all along, and while part of me balks at the idea of some divine will and purpose in something as small and insignificant as this, it’s probably a reality. There is a lot to explore in terms of such things as they relate to games, but we will discuss those at a later date.

For the purposes of continuation in my writings, Kurt and Olivia were nice enough to loan Julie and I a copy of their book, Playstation Nation. Last night I read the Preface and Introduction, and I have to say that I’m very interested in not only hearing their personal testimony, but the technical data on addiction and habituation. I will more than likely have a response to each chapter, which will more than likely be supplemented with some personal reflections as well.

One other issue that I would like to discuss here, and which Kurt and I spent a good deal of time discussing, is the issue of whether or not games are a waste of time. The purpose of this topic is simply to honestly look at my feelings at this point, but to also give note to the fact that these feelings could change. Now, after reading the first portion of the book and considering the information presented, and Kurt’s hope that I had reached a point in time where I viewed games more from his perspective, I still don’t know how to feel about games. I mean, for 20 years I was a hardcore gamer and spent innumerable hours interfacing with a RPG, so for me to now turn around and say that I wasted all that time almost feels like a betrayal of both myself and the whole gaming community. However, to say that I would be betraying the gaming community would imply that I was somehow dedicated or bound by ties of loyalty to it, which isn’t the case. Do I really feel like that time I spent having fun working through games was time I can never get back and that could have been used more fruitfully? Honestly the answer to that is no, because I feel like I had so many other things going for me. For example, I still held a 3.6 in my undergraduate studies, worked out 4-5 times per week, interacted regularly with others, and took the time to read and study personal topics of interest. I guess what I’m saying is that I’ve always viewed games as just one more thing that made me a well-rounded, socially diverse and interesting person, because it gave me one more area of commonality with other people. Games only became an issue after I became married and took on the role of a husband, so what then ties Kurt’s statements about being a man and the conflict in gaming with the institution of marriage? Simply this: games became an issue when the Lord imparted upon Julie’s heart and mind that gaming was interfering with our marriage and would more than likely continue once a child came into the picture. Since Kurt mentioned (there is more than likely some scriptural backing to this) that God’s designated role for men is to marry and raise a family, could it then reasonably follow that a lifelong hobby like gaming required direct intervention (through a conduit or messenger like Julie) so that this current and future problematic issue would no longer interfere with that obligation and calling? This will likely become an interesting idea to look into further as we go along, no doubt.

Well, that’s about it for now, but this was a good intro for the next portion of my reflections, and will hopefully pave the way for a collaborative effort in writing a book later. Kurt and I briefly mentioned this before parting at our last meeting, but details and timelines for such a venture would have to be decided upon in the future. Let’s just say that I would like to tackle this soon, since the experience is so fresh in my mind, so perhaps I will have to meet with Kurt at the next convenient time to discuss this further and see if we can begin some sort of outline. In the meantime I might look at some sort of blog page to get some of these things out on the net, and then see how that evolves.

The Harbinger

Week 4Journal Entries

2006-07-17T20:08:00.000-06:00

Below here is the fourth week of a month-long journal that I kept after deciding that gaming was no longer going to be a part of my life. After this my posts will either be a collection of random thoughts from different days, or just singular postings. Hopefully you all find this informative, enjoyable, or at least can identify with some of my descriptions or feelings in some way.

May 1, 2006

Wow, today sure was busy for me. I think that I had more to do today than I’ve experienced in quite some time, but it made the day go by real quickly. I feel like the gaming issue is getting a little easier here, since I am so busy with other things at this point. There just isn’t time to be concerned with not having games, because there really isn’t any time as it is. Now, would this be different if I was still actively working with Hakkan? My best guess is that having the lure and distraction of the game would not only lead to time spent playing when I should be working on the landscaping, but would invariably lead to conflicts with Julie and I over that very point. Part of me would constantly want to be in the den playing WOW when doing work outside, which would cause me to be frustrated, and Julie being able to sense that inner conflict in me would more than likely become upset with my reactions to those feelings herself. It’s always hard when I think about what I could be doing in my game, because I can vividly recall the feelings and sensations that came with those gaming experiences. They are so firmly entrenched in my mind that simply thinking about WOW can make me long for it, and this usually manifests itself in me trying to talk about WOW with Julie in some way, shape or form.

All in all, I think that having the landscaping obligation as a necessity right now has helped with the transition to not gaming, because it’s kept my mind focused on that. Not to mention that I’m so physically tired from the exertion of that work that I’m too tired to worry about much else. Like anything I do in life, I put my best foot forward, so that foot has now switched over from gaming to landscaping, which in the long-run will serve my marriage much better. Wouldn’t you agree?

May 2, 2006

Again, today was a very busy period and I’ll be traveling for work next week, so not a lot of time thinking about gaming for the moment. You know, I try to make light of the whole ordeal that we had by making jokes with Julie about WOW and being able to play again, but it’s all in good fun. However, I think that Julie wonders at times if I am joking, and I think that she gets a little defensive when I talk about gaming in some aspects. I can’t say that I blame her, but it’s interesting that sometimes just the mere mentioning of something creates an unexpected reaction in another person. For the most part, I think that Julie mostly wants to know that she is needed, loved, elevated above other things, and that she matters most, and perhaps the memories she has of feeling subordinate to gaming creates this reaction, which means that I need to be especially wise in how I joke with her.

Anyway, I don’t feel angry or resentful anymore about not having games, but just those clinging memories of time spent wandering the face of WOW and at times wishing I was back there again in my guise as a Rogue. We had some great adventures together, Hakkan and I, but now that I look back on it, I wonder whether or not I was ever truly being honest with myself in believing that I could really complete the game and keep Julie happy. I felt like our agreements were more like incremental stalemates more than anything, but at the time that was all I cared about. Those armistices got me from one argument to the next, and then I would be renegotiating all over again to protect my territory and access to WOW. In other words, my experiences with WOW was borrowed time that would never come with a complete sense of peace, because I knew that there would always be another conflict to deal with. Ergo, my only real peace with Julie would come from the loss of gaming itself, but that would come with the inevitable byproduct of the loss of something sacred to me.

May 3, 2006

After a phone conversation with Julie today, I was wondering exactly what she was feeling during this whole ordeal about a month ago. I mean, I know how she felt from what she told me at the time, and from my own analysis, but how nice would it be to have her actually sit down and discuss those times with me so I can better comprehend the impact upon her at that time. I think that Julie and I have had some very good talks post game time, but haven’t really gone back over any of those issues since that time, and I wonder how she feels about things now. You know, if she thinks that I’ve changed now that I’m not playing, if I have made steps in good faith that reflect reconciliation on my part, etc. I just want to make sure that the sacrifice I made has made us stronger (and I do), but would like to hear from Julie if she concurs with this assessment. I’ll have to mention this to her this evening, because it would make an interesting addition to this entry.

May 4, 2006

Here are the results of our discussion this evening about changes in both of us now that I’m no longer playing WOW. I could analyze this and talk it to death, but I think that the results speak for themselves. What we didn’t discuss are any possible negative changes observed in each other, but after asking Julie about if there were any to mention, she replied with an affirmative “no.” Here are the results:

Changes observed in Aaron:

More focused on and attuned with reality
More of a “man” (i.e. taking an active role in landscaping and excelling at work)
More productive with his time (i.e. running errands with me, landscaping, making phone calls and reading)
More sensitive to my needs
More fun to be around; less withdrawn
Less irritable, angry, insensitive, secretive, moody, defensive and absorbed
More conversational (i.e. “How was your day?” versus “What in the world are doing home from work so early?”)
More agreeable that gaming was a problem that would only lead to a great deal of more problems
No longer obsessed to “get in X amount of hours per day in WOW”
No longer deferring everything else in life (people and tasks) to do one particular thing (gaming)
More attentive to eating regularly and personal hygiene

Changes in myself:

No longer a “gamer widow”
Never respected him more than I do now
Feel needed and appreciated and connected – no longer neglected
Happier and joy-filled
Content that we spend more time together
No longer feeling like I am competing with a game
No longer feeling like I come second to a game – because I was first if he got rid of his game instead of me
No longer questioning why I married a man who was married to his game
No longer resentful of him when he occasionally stays up later than me (whereby it was to game before, it was now to read)
Eager to be around him and talk to him – especially now that I feel I have his undivided attention
Trust
No longer fearful of what might have come if Aaron would have continued to play this MMORPG
No longer having to make compromises solely for the sake of making him happy, because I knew that if I allowed him to play he would be most pleased
More like a wife and less like a nagging mom
No longer envious of my friends’ husbands whom did not play games
More open (it had reached a point where the only thing I felt I had control of was to “close” myself off from him, both physically and mentally)

May 5, 2006

Well, Julie’s list of changes in both of us was both heartening and somewhat unexpected, because I think that I was simply blind to a number of the feelings that she was experiencing. I didn’t want too see them, because then I would have felt more guilty, not to mention have to take action on them if I actually acknowledged and validated them, and doing so would have been my undoing with WOW. As it ended up, she took the bull by the horns and ensured that there was no way I couldn’t address those feelings, and I think at first that really made me upset, because she was bringing into the light that which I chose not too see. Once that happened, it was incumbent upon me as her husband to take those issues to heart, and that lead us to the point where we now stand.

I think that Julie’s feelings were valid, but as per usual, part of me still wishes that there was a way to have kept that game and her both happy. The problem was that the game was happier than her, and reconciling that wasn’t something I had the ability to do. I’m just too devoted to a game when I play, which was of course an issue because my devotion should have been to her more than WOW. If I could just learn to put all my energies into more than one thing at a time it would be helpful, but with something as engaging as WOW, there just wasn’t enough time in the day for two marriages. I know that I chose the right one though, so now I’m happy too.

May 6, 2006

Well, I think that writing in this journal has taught me that it’s good to reflect upon events in our lives and ensure that we take the time to address our thoughts and feelings so that we can look back on them later. This journal has provided me with the opportunity to give an honest assessment of my feelings, guess as to how Julie was feelings and just vent some thoughts on paper. Right now I have a lot going on with finishing the yard and getting ready to travel to Offutt AFB, NE, so today’s entry will be a little short. Anyway, I think that I’m doing better coping with all this, which is good for Julie and I. I just hope that there aren’t any other big issues that come up like this, because I hate having a rift between Julie and me. She deserves the best, and I’m trying to provide that for her everyday.

May 7, 2006

I’m leaving for Nebraska tomorrow, but that should be a good experience for work purposes. Being away from Julie for a week won’t be that great, but this is such a good chance to learn more about my job, so I think that it needs to be taken advantage of. It’s a funny thing that I’ve had so little time to think about games lately, but I’ve just been so busy with landscaping, work and other things. That is what makes things so interesting about the whole game conflict that Julie and I had, because it seems that it could no longer be an issue at this point. When would I have time for games now, and how could I possibly fit that into my schedule? The truth is that I couldn’t with all that Julie and I have to do, so it would have inevitably been my fate to either stop or allow WOW to cause further issues. As it turns out, I think that the end of my gaming days was perfect timing, because the yard needed my attention at about the time that I stopped playing. I’m glad that Julie and I worked out this issue thought, because it’s hard when you realize that what you like isn’t getting the same reception from the one that you love. Sacrifices might be hard sometimes, but oftentimes they are a necessary thing to restore a balance. As per usual, I think a lot about my games and the world it encompassed, but that’s the past now, isn’t it?

I’ve noticed that my entries continue to get smaller over the weeks, but I think that perhaps this could be a number of things. One, I’ve simply run out of things to say due to the fact that I’ve talked about all that I can think of. Second, my feelings have been consistent enough that the initial feelings have all but abated. Three, I’m not sure what to say sometimes. I mean, I continue to think about gaming quite frequently, but it’s not so much now that it consumes me. In fact, I don’t really think that I miss games at this point, simply because I’m so busy with just getting through the days. Life has thrown a number of responsibilities my direction, and those have diverted my attention toward them and away from games. I think that this has been a positive thing for me, simply because I have to make the most of what time I do have to ensure that the necessities of life are taken care of. As much fun as it would be to sit and play games without having any concerns whatsoever, the fact is that life does have expectations, and so do the people that exist within it with me. Most notably, my wife needs a husband that is there for her and is willing to make the most of the time given to us both, and since video games didn’t mesh well between us, games had to be put to the wayside.

With all this in mind, I think that today will be my last entry. I’ve learned a great deal from this exercise and hope that it will benefit Julie and I in some way. While I think that I could keep writing in this journal, and I really don’t believe that the benefit of writing more would serve much of a purpose. I feel like I’ve gotten what I needed to out of this exercise, which was to put my thoughts and feelings on paper and help myself understand who I am a little better. That objective was met, and I know that I will take something from this. Thank you.

The Harbinger

Week 3 Journal Entries

2006-07-17T18:43:00.000-06:00

Below here is the third week of a month-long journal that I kept after deciding that gaming was no longer going to be a part of my life. I will do my best to keep this all organized by week, so there should be one more much like this posting. After this my posts will either be a collection of random thoughts from different days, or just singular postings. Hopefully you all find this informative, enjoyable, or at least can identify with some of my descriptions or feelings in some way.

April 24, 2006

I can honestly say that that since I was young, I have been a dreamer, and much of life has been lived within waking dreams. My imaginative mind has taken me to distant lands, traveled perilous roads, and seen cities that both horrify and enliven the creative spirit. I guess that would explain why I’m such a fan of literature/poetry and gaming, because it’s a veritable playground of imaginative possibility. Gaming especially took me to a whole new level of role-playing (pun intended) and gave me the visual embodiment of what I commonly had traipsing about in my mind. I think that gaming really opened my eyes to the fact that there is so much potential and possibility in the human mind, and I admired those people who had the foresight and ability to make those dreams real for all of us that love gaming. Much like one would admire a poet or author for their ability to communicate through words, we gamers esteem those who develop our games.

There are times when I feel quite detached from the side of myself that strives for the challenge of creating a character, planning their lifespan and leveling matrix, reconfiguring all the technical portions of skills and attributes applicable to their development at each level and then finding the best weapons, armor and accessories necessary to make them an unstoppable force. I loved that level of detailed organization and strategy that came with an RPG, and not having an outlet on the creative side to accomplish that same thing is hard sometimes. Hopefully I can find a replacement for that, and perhaps that will eventually transfer over into the written word, but I just don’t know when the right timing is. Hopefully this journal will help steer me in the right direction though.

April 25, 2006

I think that I’ve been enjoying this exercise of journalizing, and I’ve tried to make the whole process a little more interesting by adding some color to the background, borders and some pictures as well. While these serve little function other than for aesthetics, its good fun for me to spruce things up a little for the reader and have a good presentation. Anyhow, this has been a good outlet and reflective tool thus far, and I hope that it will help me in dealing with the new habits that I’m trying to battle or add to my repertoire.

Julie has seemed much better since I stopped gaming, and also appears to be happier, and that makes me feel good. That constant tension and guilt was hard at times, as was trying to convince myself that everything was okay. The problem was that I was allowing my relationship to go by the wayside in order to play a game that I really liked, and my justification for doing so was that I wanted to. I felt that Julie should just allow me to play according to our agreement and be a little more independent while I finished (this could have been a year’s worth of time though), and then after that things would turn back to normal. However, not only was I putting my own needs before Julie’s, I was doing so on behalf of a game. Obviously this isn’t right. Now, things could have gone very differently and Julie could have had no issue with me playing at all, but the fact is that she did, so unfortunately the game had to go.

Everyday that I wake I wonder what is happening in that game and get curious what it would be like to get in there again and continue where I left off (Hakkan is still sitting at the hippogriff flight stand in Stormwind City). I can’t seem to win though, because I feel guilty about just quitting without finishing, and every part of my mind is constantly turning around images of past exploits, dangers and missions that I worked on. In fact, I can remember almost every mission sitting in my quest menu and what was required to complete it, which is funny because I have to write everything else in my life down so that I don’t forget! One of my favorite phrases (I cannot recall the source at this time) is thus: “I have an endless capacity for useless information.” Anyhow, I’ve been learning a good deal about landscaping thus far, so it feels good to actually learn this stuff, because prior to doing my own yard I knew nothing. It makes me feel a little more like a man to have this background now, and I know that Julie admires my ardent dedication to learning landscaping and working hard on completing our home with her invaluable assistance.

April 26, 2006

Well, today I’m doing okay, but Julie and I bought the new Final Fantasy VII movie for me last night, and that was great to watch. However, watching that made me think about video games quite a bit, and I even made a joke about how I should have replayed Final Fantasy VII (the RPG) prior to watching the follow-on movie. She just gave me the upraised eyebrow in an affectionate way, but it was fun too see the reaction anyway. There isn’t a whole lot to say for today, since I’ve been so preoccupied with work and landscaping today, so I think that I’ll make this a short entry. As always, I’m still thinking about gaming and WOW, but that’s not much of a surprise. Every time I get on my home PC I hearken back to the days when I was logging onto the WOW server to continue moving forward with my game. A lot of good times will never come to fruition now, but that is just the way of things.

April 27, 2006

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how much I feared the loss of freedom and choice I had when I was single, and how marriage is such a different dynamic. One of the most difficult areas for me to reconcile in being married was the transition from single life into the marriage life, because they are so mutually oppositional to one another when you think about it. Being single means that the majority of what you do is self-centric, because your responsibility is truly to yourself, and while single people obviously think and act on other’s behalves (e.g. not everything is “self”), the majority of their concern lies in fulfilling their own needs. However, married life entails the submission of “self” and the embracement of the “other”, or a “we” conceptual view of life. In other words, your interests, wants, desires and needs are no longer mutually exclusive of your spouse, and this means that you invariably have to submit and resign to a more companionable approach to needs fulfillment. In short, one has to consider the other person before themselves and determine if their behaviors and actions will negatively impact their marriage. That can be quite an undertaking, especially when some of your interests suddenly find themselves in diametrically oppositional terms to that of your spouse.

Now, obviously I had a point in mentioning the content in this first paragraph, and the applicability finds itself entwined in the gaming habit we have been discussing for the past three weeks. Prior to Julie and I getting married I sold all of my RPG’s, because I knew that the time needed to play them would be reduced such a great deal, but I did keep a few of them. I also knew that Julie wasn’t particularly into games, so I thought that selling them would let her know that I was willing to make adjustments and sacrifices for her. However, there were a few games that I did keep, simply due to the fact that I wanted to play a couple before selling off my PS2. After I finally sold the PS2, Julie was so proud and appreciative of me for letting that part of my life come to a close, and surprisingly enough there was a part of her that pitied that decision as well, because she knew how much gaming meant to me.

Once WOW came into the marriage however, that sympathy and attempting to empathize with me slowly dissipated. WOW became the ice that forms in the cracks of a rock and slowly creates small fissures and splits, which when left unchecked, destroy the very fabric and makeup of that rock. Unfortunately, the ice was WOW and the rock was my marriage. It was literally driving a frozen wedge between us, and the very air in our home was becoming the frigid, artic winds of the north that bite and shock all in their wake. We were having issues from my need to play WOW, my incessant thought processes and planning in my off hours, and the constant wanting to share my gaming experiences with Julie. I think that I realized her frustrations the entire time, but was blinded by my own needs, which was to keep playing WOW until I finished. Hey, Julie would just have to learn to fend for herself and find something to do, because I had a game to play, and not even she was going to come between me and WOW!

Well, as it ended up, I think that the Lord probably stepped in to intervene on her behalf, because I sure wasn’t doing my job there. Instead of helping us reach a permanent agreement, I received a Christ-like cuff up the side of my head, and then the game was gone quicker than I could say, “but….” Anyhow, the issue ended up resolving itself, but I’m left to deal with the aftermath of that. Julie has been supportive of me (as much as she can anyway), and I appreciate that, but for the most part I have to bear the brunt on my own. Each day is more of an internal struggle with wanting to play, or just catching a glimpse from a website, and while this is difficult, it’s better than reenacting the Battle of Thermopylae in our home over a game. As much as I love gaming, some things just aren’t worth the consequences they entail to keep in our lives, especially when the wages come with a price we’re not willing to pay. At times this causes a little internalized resentment and frustration in having to make such a decision, but more often that not the right choices are the most difficult, aren’t they?

April 28, 2006

Today sure has been a tough one for me, especially since the weather is bad and I’m stuck inside. This would be prime gaming hours while the weather sucks, but alas I find myself writing and thinking about games, not playing them. Julie seems to be less and less patient with me when it comes to gaming discussions, or even looking at something that I might use for this journal. This is of course frustrating for me, since I’m the one having to deal with not playing games anymore, but I think that she feels like I should be over it by now. She said yesterday that she’s tired of hearing about games at all, so it looks like I need to be more selective in her engagement of topics with me. I won’t hide anything from her, but I’m not going to just come out and share things either. Julie also seems to be under the impression that looking at anything RPG-related just makes things hard for me, and maybe it does make things difficult for a short time, but I can’t seem to not want too see those images or short movies on the web sites. I am drawn to these places like a bird is to the air, not to mention that I’ve been using them to make my journal a little more my own style, which I think is important as well.

The bottom line is that I’m always going to like fantasy in all it forms (i.e. books, movies, games, etc.), so Julie will just have to accept that part of me. I’m not playing the games anymore, so I feel like my needing too see some images here and there should be okay. The longing to play is there without them, they just stimulate those feelings to an elevated level, and this is probably where Julie finds fault in viewing the WOW website. This isn’t to say that we’ve been arguing of fighting over it as a source of conflict, but that we discussed it last night, and now it has me thinking. Somehow my life without gaming makes me feel less exciting, less cultured and less analytical than I once was, but I’m sure that no one else would say the same. That’s the nice part about one’s feelings; they can never be wrong in of themselves, just the underlying beliefs that engender them.

Anyhow, it is normal to feel inadvertent anger over the loss of WOW? I don’t want to be upset about a stupid game, but what can I do about that either? I really just need Julie to continue being there for me and give me the support that I need. 20 years is a very long time to roll back the clock on, so having a great wife like Julie at my side has made things a lot easier. What’s really helped though is the fact that I have a yard to landscape, so that takes us almost all my free time. Can you imagine the inner struggle that would have ensued over trying to reconcile my gaming with the yard work? That would have been painful for both Julie and I, because she would have been able too see right through me (I can be a little transparent at times). Anyway, that’s about it for today.

April 29, 2006

Today will be short, as I’ve had very little time to think about gaming today, not to mention that there just wasn’t the time to consider my feelings while working in the yard again. That seems to be taking up such a great deal of my free time right now, so not having the distraction of games (biting my tongue for this comment) is sort of a blessing at this juncture. Heck, I’m lucky if I can stay awake to read in the evening right now, because I’m just so weary from working all day and then coming home to work on the yard. It gets you tired real quick when you actually work with your whole body. I mentioned to Julie today how much easier gaming was, because at least I could relax while getting mentally tired. That was so much easier than yard work, which can really just take it out of you. I also seem to remember telling her something about how I hadn’t planned on buying a home or getting married, due specifically to the fact that they really just take up too much time that could have been spent reading or playing games. Imagine though; now I’m married and have this wonderful wife, but I still manage to screw that up at times as well. Fallibility stinks!

April 30, 2006

Well, this weekend was very productive, but no so in the thinking about games department. There just wasn’t ample time for reflection, which stinks, because I think that this is important for me to do. However, great headway was made on the yard, so I can’t complain there. Anyway, not too much to say again this evening since the weekend was so busy, but I figure that this next week will be much more interesting. There is always more to talk about when I have the drive to work ahead of me, because that gives me some preparation and planning time for what I want to say. The weekends are always just too rushed and busy to come up with anything truly worthwhile, at least that’s how it feels at times. Believe me, I haven’t forgotten just how much I’m missing out on in WOW, and I still envy those lucky 5 million or so that have the opportunity too see that game through to its logical conclusion.

Oh, what I wouldn’t give for the chance to finish that game, but if someone offered me two hours of time, I wouldn’t even want it, because it would be too hard. I mean, two hours would be more like ritualized torture than a concession, because I would know that anything I accomplished would mean nothing, so why even think on it? That game is gone for good and there is nothing that I can do or say to bring it back. I very much doubt that I will ever be allowed to play another game, even if I really wanted to, but I wonder if this is because this is what Julie thinks is best for her, or what’s best for me? I want to believe that it’s for the better of us both, but I also know that she just wants to protect me (and our relationship of course) from those things that distract my mind from what needs my attention. Julie needs a man that is there mentally and physically the majority of the time, and my proclivities toward drifting through silent worlds of fantasy sort of run counter to those needs. Change is always hard, but I get to keep her, so I can’t really complain to much, now can I?

The Harbinger

Week 2 Journal Entries

2006-07-17T18:05:00.000-06:00

Below here is the second week of a month-long journal that I kept after deciding that gaming was no longer going to be a part of my life. I will do my best to keep this all organized by week, so there should be two more much like this posting. After this my posts will either be a collection of random thoughts from different days, or just singular postings. Hopefully you all find this informative, enjoyable, or at least can identify with some of my descriptions or feelings in some way.

17 April 2006

Well, today I don’t feel much of anything because I’m just too busy with things, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t miss the game. I think that there was something inherently relaxing about just sitting in a chair and becoming lost in another world for a while. All the craziness of life just melts away as you become one with another existence. The only issue there is that everything else except that game becomes “muted.” To explain, the ability to experience the same levels of excitement or fulfillment from other things other than that game is muted, and the sound of the phone or my wife’s voice is muted. Once that game comes on, everything else goes to the backburner until the session is over, and the problem is that you don’t want that session to end. In fact, having to stop for the day or night always left a sour taste in my mouth, because I just wanted to keep going. In the interim, waiting for the next time to play is excruciating, and I think that it’s always been that way for me with gaming.

One of the most frustrating things about playing WOW was that I couldn’t really do any dungeons unless Julie was at work, simply due to the time requirement. You could easily spend 2-4 hours in a special dungeon with others, so you really had to focus and get it done while you had a group to help you. I remember a couple of times where Julie would either come home or try to talk to me while going through a dungeon, and boy did that not turn out well. It either took too long, or I would end up ignoring her while she was talking (not on purpose, of course), simply because you have to concentrate or die. Even in the evenings when I had 2-3 hours to play, getting through a dungeon could be difficult, so not being able to stay up past 12:00 am meant that I might have to log off prior to finishing a quest(s). That was really annoying, because it meant finding another group for yet another run through the same place again, and that caused some resentment and frustration when I came to bed, because I really wanted to be logged on completing what I had started.

Now, even if I was still playing the game, I would be making very little “real” progress, because the time needed to move by leaps and bounds just wouldn’t be available with the way our agreement would have worked. At times I think it would have been harder to keep playing after starting work, simply due to those time constraints, because when it comes to gaming, I need long periods of time and undivided attention to make thing happen, and all those things that “have” to be done right now (i.e. Julie, work, landscaping, exercise, errands, etc.) would definitely make enjoying my game quite difficult.

April 18, 2006

“My name is Hakkan, and I’m a level 38 Night Elf Rogue from the elvish city of Teldrassil, traveling through the tangled depths of Stranglethorn Vale. The heat here is oppressively beating down my morale, as is the constant onslaught of crocodiles, raptors, basilisks, tigers, panthers, gorillas, trolls, pirates and other foul beasts beset against me. I’ve taken numerous wounds on this foul day, and I’m endlessly tired from traversing through the thick underbrush and overgrowth that seems to entangle me at every step. Booty Bay, the port town in southern Stranglethorn, is far from here and I need rest. My brow is dripping with sweat, my palms are clammy, and my pulse quickens at the slightest movement. I’m wary and cautious, but it seems that the inhabitants of this land are set on destroying me no matter how quiet I am. This makes me nervous and excited at the same time, because those encounters create a rush like nothing else. While I realize that I will more than likely die and be resurrected by the spirits numerous times this day, I will complete the quests I swore to finish in helping free the land once again. The people need someone like me, and I’ll answer that call, because I’m inexorably drawn toward the danger, but there’s also an obligation to the world itself, and those working with me toward the same ends. My name is Hakkan, and I’m the reaper of death to the unrighteous, a savior to the upright and peaceful, and a demi-god in my own right.”

This was simply an exercise in first-person experience through the eyes of my character, but when playing WOW, there is a tendency to see yourself through their eyes, because the game is so engaging. If you concentrate hard enough, you are in the WOW sweating, bleeding, breathing hard from exertion and living the life of your “child.” I often referred to Hakkan as “my son,” because I created, nurtured and built him into a sleek, deft, and skilled killing machine. However, the feelings and physical sensations I described for Hakkan in first-person weren’t too far off from my own experiences outside the game. Whenever I got in a particularly difficult battle or entered a dungeon I would experience physical stressors, including such things as clammy palms, sweat on my upper back and forehead, and anxiety from worrying about getting killed. While my neurotransmitter dopamine was working overtime, I would also feel constant rushes from the excitement of situations, stress in deciding courses of action, and feel mentally tired from hours of game play and off-time strategizing. In short, the game gave me a mental workout, but also created easily observable physical side effects as well. In fact, I remember the constant nervous symptoms, such as bouncing my leg, biting my lip, tapping my fingers, or pacing while awaiting the arrival of other party members to a dungeon. The best part was when my heartbeat would increase, because I would lose some dexterity in my fingers (this impacted game play to some extent), and I found this particularly interesting.

I think today I feel okay about not playing, but again, I think about it quite a bit. There’s always that tugging at the back of my mind, or the thought process of attempting to find some way to cajole Julie into letting me play with some restrictions. While this is normal, I cannot seem to break the spell that WOW has cast upon me. I’m drawn like a magnet to the images that roil in my mind, the memories of my battles and conquests, and the knowledge that so many undiscovered adventures still await me should I ever return to that tortured land.

April 19, 2006

Well, today was another one of those really busy days working on the yard and spending more time and money in that venture than I would have liked. It’s funny, because a part of me sometimes feels like gaming is more a worthwhile endeavor than taking care of business. I know that it shouldn’t be, but for 20 years of my life, I tended to plan my days around games, not the games around the necessities. That obviously carried over to the WOW conflicts that Julie and I experienced, and that I do take responsibility for. I wonder if, had I played in shorter spans of time would it have bothered Julie less, or was it the very idea of a 28-year-old man playing games that caused the real problem? I’ve always felt like everyone was beset against me in the game playing arena of my life, because they saw so much potential and talent in other areas. For example, my love of reading, my ability to communicate with the written word (everyone I know wants me to write a book someday), or just the innate verbal and social abilities in relating with others that I seem to have.

For the most part, I’ve always felt that I earned the right to play games, simply because I was responsible in working toward further education, reading a great deal, excelling at work, and still having an active social life. However, as inconsequential as it seems, I put innumerable energies toward my perfection of playing and completing games, and this is something that I’ve always been skilled at. Games aren’t just about playing, but the planning, strategies and organizational functions of doing it right and getting the most out of a character within the allotted levels they can reach, while at the same time discovering everything and really taking it to the final boss or bosses. Especially with WOW, it was about status within that community and earning the respect of others with your level and rank within the battlegrounds. People look to those higher level characters for information, guidance, directions, or aid in their quests, and it felt good when I got to a point that I could volunteer to help others with the same areas that I had once needed aid in as well. It made me feel needed, accepted, revered and noteworthy. Not so much as a person in reality, but as a virtual character named Hakkan, and those feelings tend to carry over into your real life, because that virtual life becomes so intertwined into who you are.

Would I say that I’m a video game addict? I really don’t know, because I don’t play games at this point. All I know is that my marriage is better, but it came at the cost of losing a part of myself that I hold dear. Was it worth it? Of course, because I love my wife and don’t have to concern myself with whether or not my gaming hobby is interfering with my marriage now, but a part of me longs endlessly for that virtual fix and affirmation of knowing that a world of mystery and excitement is waiting just around the corner whenever I wish to return. It’s tough, but I’m moving forward and hoping to make the most of not playing games, while maybe finding some way to help others that might have questions about game addiction or conflict resolution within a relationship. I guess that I’ll finish this 90 day exercise and then see if anything comes from it.

April 20, 2006

Today I want to talk about the events leading up to the choice that ended my gaming career. I had been playing quite fervently during my time on terminal leave from the military, and was enjoying the time off that I had before starting my new job. Filling my hours with games seemed like a great idea, because it kept my mind busy and was enjoyable, but my life also seemed steeped in guilt about the time spent playing my game as well. What specifically was I feeling guilty about? Well, that I was playing with my game more than my wife, that I had to fudge the truth about how much I was playing each day, that I was more concerned with the game than almost everything else, that I was staying up to play my game after Julie went to sleep, that I was moody, defensive and antagonistic with Julie, and that many of the things I loved to do (i.e. reading, working out, etc.) were being put on the backburner. However, while that guilt did exist, I didn’t “really” feel guilty because I kept playing none-the-less, and even today I still wish that I was playing WOW.

Roughly twelve days after Julie and I had agreed upon a game playing regimen (I could play when she wasn’t home, when she was busy with something else, plus two nights during each week), Julie suddenly had a breakdown and asked me to quite playing. That request was like being bludgeoned upside the head with a paladin’s deadly mace, because I simply wasn’t expecting such a thing. After all, we had an agreement, an accord, and her request was a blatant refutation of that treaty we enacted together. Basically Julie asked me this: “If you had to make a choice between me and that game, what would you choose?” Now, I knew that this was more than just a rhetorical question, because she was beside herself with frustration, and Julie was simply at the end of her rope. I had to take some time to think about this…

That afternoon, after Julie arrived home and we had some time to talk, I thought that giving us both some space was a good idea. What I needed was some time to think and not be around Julie, because I was quite upset and didn’t want to say anything that I might regret later, so I packed up my things and went to stay with a friend for the night. The purpose of this time away was to decompress and make some sense of my situation, because these were some life-altering events coming into fruition. Now, another purpose of going to my friend’s house was to have one last chance to spend some time with Hakkan before his virtual burial. That’s right, I already knew before I left the house that my impending doom was sealed, because I sure wasn’t going to pick gaming over the life I have with Julie. Only a fool would do that, and I’m no fool!

These last sorrowful and bittersweet hours traversing the universe of WOW somehow lost their luster and were more or less unfulfilling, because I realized that they no longer had any meaning. This was the last time that I would fly on a hippogriff, purchase new daggers and equipment, brew poisons to slowly drain the life from my enemies, sneak up and stab someone in the back, join a group and storm a dungeon with reckless abandon, or any of those things that made WOW such a joy to immerse oneself in. The most depressing portion of that whole evening is when it turned night in WOW, because that is commonly time when the fewest people are logged on the server, and many of the town shops are closed. I was literally wandering around by myself on the server, and rarely did I meet anyone. Not only was Hakkan lonely and looking for some virtual human contact, but I myself was lonely and hurting. It was almost as if the game was empathizing with my plight, and night’s coming in the game was precluding to the end of my time in WOW. It was “…the deep breath before the plunge,” to quote Gandalf the White from The Return of the King by J.R.R. Tolkien. That night was one last glimpse; a final chance to say my goodbyes and retire from my career as a gamer. Needless to say, I wasn’t too happy about it.

Well, I didn’t end up staying the night at my friend’s house, but drove home at about 4:00 am to return to Julie. I felt dejected, afraid, resentful, depressed, misunderstood and alone, but I knew that we were eternal (as far as this life is concerned), which meant that I needed comfort from the very person who at that time I blamed for all my frustrations. I came home and lay next to Julie, not quite sure how I felt about her at that time, but realizing that somehow I needed her. This was vexing, because while I couldn’t help wanting to reestablish a connection with her, all I wanted to do was shut her out and nurture contempt for the pain she was ruthlessly heaping upon me. That didn’t really last long though, because I was just so drained and tired from the whole emotional aspect of that night.

The next day I went down to the computer with her and uninstalled the game from the hard drive, and it took me a while to tap that mouse. I mean, I was literally gritting my teeth with resentment, my mind racing in every direction trying to find a way out of it. My mind was full of panic, because all I could think of was trying to find some way around having to do this, of perhaps striking some last minute bargain that would enable me to keep playing. After the uninstall was complete, I could literally hear myself shut down, not unlike what a computer does when you chose to shut down your system (we all know that sound: the gradual slowing of the system as it discontinues processing information and applications stop running). It hurt, and I was angry for quite some time, and while Julie was happy about the finality of the act, all I could think about was what I would do to replace WOW. What would my life be like without gaming?

I know what life is like without gaming today, because I don’t play games anymore. That comes with its advantages and disadvantages, but somehow I feel more productive now that I don’t think about games all the time. While I loved the constant thought processes and challenges that games provided me, I know that there is so much that as a man and husband I need to do. That sucks sometimes, because that was what I loved so much about being single: my time was mine and I didn’t have to think about anyone other than myself. My only thought now is that the Lord took my games from me (using Julie as the Gabriel or Iris of His message) due to the fact that that I was being irresponsible with my time, placing the game before everything else, and trying to live the life of a single man while married. Julie was the harbinger of a message quite unwanted and feared by myself, because it meant giving up something that meant a great deal to me, but I got to keep something that meant more: my wife.

April 21, 2006

When I look back through my gaming career, I can’t think of anyone who I would call supportive of my hobby. My mother stated that they bought my first Nintendo in order to develop my hand-eye coordination for pitching in baseball, but after those initial years of playing games that slowly turned into a firmly entrenched habit for me. When I stop to think about it, the first RPG I ever played was The Legend of Zelda, and that was quickly followed by Dragon Warrior. After those two games, I was hooked on RPG’s, and this obsession lasted me for almost the entirety of my life thus far. Slowly but surely, I became a more dedicated gamer, and my family started to think that I should be using my time more wisely. Both my girlfriends in college couldn’t stand when I played games either, simply because they couldn’t talk to me when I was playing. Finally, along comes my wife with the same issues, so I can safely say that there was a pattern there. While I could say that this pattern is the fact that the opposition parties were all female, I think that it’s more along the lines of them thinking that I could be spending my time more fruitfully. I’ve always felt that females just inherently hate video games based on the fact that they are women and want the attention in their direction, but could it be possible that they just hated “me” playing games because of what that entailed?

My thoughts about whether or not people really like or accept my gaming hobby have always been that their opinions really don’t matter. I mean, I never asked anyone to like games, but I did expect that they wouldn’t attempt to convince me that they were a waste of time. My reasoning on this is thus: when someone enjoys something tremendously, it doesn’t really matter if others think along the same lines or like that hobby. What matters is whether or not the person engaging in said hobby finds it enjoyable, and if they find it of value and enriching, then that’s the value of said hobby right there. Now, if that hobby is immoral, unethical, physically or emotionally harmful to others, or causes relationship conflicts, then that’s a different story. A person simply not liking a hobby because they don’t understand it, find it dumb, or thinking that someone should be doing something else with their time isn’t really valid, because what matters is whether or not the hobby is meaningful to the party engaged in it. That would be like me telling someone that their interest in sports was stupid, which would be insulting to them. Acceptance of that hobby is not requisite for that hobby to have meaning for them, so all I’m really doing is invalidating them and stating that I don’t agree with a part of who they are. I’ve always been of the mind that whatever a person finds interesting automatically makes it valid, because it’s for them, not for me.

In my case, my hobby was causing relational problems with my wife, and while I could have cared less whether or not she felt that gaming was a waste of time, the only part that did matter was that it was causing issues between us. In other words, it wasn’t so much her reasons for disliking the hobby that mattered, but simply that it was creating a rift or void that shouldn’t have existed. Now, I could have been vehemently candid and just said that I wouldn’t give up playing games and would accept a limited hiatus, but that wasn’t going to solve our problem, so my only option was to submit to my wife and give up gaming for good. Do I resent her for that? No, I do not. I love my wife and will do anything and everything needed to ensure that our marriage is safeguarded and strong for the duration of our time here on earth. I don’t always have to like submission, but I am called to do so as a husband. I have mixed feelings about this at times and don’t understand the why, but understanding is not a requisite of submission. It’s simply an act that requires action, so my comprehension and justification from the other concerned party is really inconsequential to the act of submission. That’s not such an easy thing to swallow at times, but fighting it only makes proceeding acts of submission more difficult.

April 22, 2006

I’ve always had an interest in the dichotomy of good and evil, both from a theological and philosophical standpoint, and I think that’s why my interest in books, movies and RPG’s have been so strong. For the most part, our lives are a very real battleground where principles of good and evil exist, and I think that many people rationalize these principles through the pursuance of totality or self-actualization. We seek a purification or redemption of our sinful nature (e.g. evil) through faith, the accumulation of wisdom through understanding divine precepts and doctrine, and the life-long comprehension and acceptance of what we truly are (e.g. good). For centuries, scholars, theologians and philosophers have tried to shed light on the forces of good and evil, and I would say that there are certain aspects or dimensions of both that we cannot truly define or understand with our limited capacity to determine divine intent and reason. However, such principles and ideas are constantly analyzed and explored within the framework of literature, film and games, and I think that all three of these venues force us to ask questions and seek greater understanding of good and evil as paramount relevance to our own lives.

Now, while I feel painfully inadequate and unqualified to even broach such a subject, I think that I can speak to arguments of good and evil as they exist within the realm of gaming. Every RPG is inherently designed in order to provide a set of conflicting viewpoints, actions and ideas that create a storyline for the player, and the point of an RPG is the reconciliation of events leading toward a restoration of balance, or the conquering of good over evil. Virtually speaking, I am the determinant of whether or not the upright and just are protected, and whether or not the forces set against peace and tranquility are vanquished. It made me feel good to be that person, and helped me realize that seemingly insignificant people can have a definitive impact upon their world. I liked that sense of control and transcendence not allowed in reality, because it made me feel almost godlike within the game. In other words, I could be something that was altogether impossible in reality. Living such a savior’s role vicariously through a game was something I needed. The lack of control I have in my own life was given release through the control I felt virtually.

While this might sound dangerously close to a god complex, I think that many of us think about what our lives, and this world, would be like if we controlled things. All of us think we know what’s best, but the truth is that our very belief in that commonly implies that we don’t. While I’ve lost that sense of artificial control from games, I think that it’s good to realize that I do have very little control over things in my life, but that what matters is my reaction and acceptance of what happens to me. For example, I may not understand why I can’t play games anymore, but I do understand that I have to accept that fact and move forward with my life anyhow. I may want to play games, but I have to accept that it’s not going to happen.

April 23, 2006

Alright, today is the last day of the second week of journals. Anyhow, I think that one of the most unforgettable portions of WOW is the colors and realism of the surroundings. For example, I cannot forget the vibrancy and fluidity of color schemes used in Teldrassil or Darnassus (the above picture shows Moonglade, which is a section of Ashenvale on the continent Kalimdor), which are Elf cities toward the start of the game if you use a Night Elf. More than anything, the textures and mellifluousness of water in that game are simply amazing, and I actually liked to just stand and fish so that I could watch the water. The trees were amazing as well, with the dark greens, purples and blues mixed together. I think more than anything it was just the detail and care taken in making such an engaging and real world, and I applaud the concept artists, programmers and other staff at Blizzard for their dedication to a spectacularly original product.

All this is to say that I still miss playing that game, and would jump at the chance to play in a heartbeat. However, it wouldn’t be worth it unless I could go at it full boar and make a marathon out of it. Speaking of which, I was reading just the other day about a couple of programmers that actually moved to part-time with their company so that they could dedicate more time to WOW. Apparently they are just starting the game and hope to have their characters all prepared for the WOW Expansion Pack coming out in October, 2006. The point of this tangent is just to mention that we gamers are very dedicated people and take our games very, very seriously: serious as a heart attack!! Strangely enough, as a fellow (or should I say former) gamer their mindset in taking time to dedicate their lives to the conquering of a MMORPG makes a great deal of sense to me, especially if you can financially afford such an undertaking. Since I’ve always thought of work as a means to an ends only, and if it doesn’t hurt you financially, then more power to someone if they moved to part-time and played 6-8 hours on those days. I’ve never been one to judge what others do with their time, so while I don’t always agree with a lifestyle or choice of another, I’m not one to damn or demonize them either.

You know, there are few moments in a day that I don’t think about playing my game, so it makes me wonder if Julie worrying about me not thinking about the game while not playing even paid off. While I’m obviously not playing the game anymore, now I seem to think about it more, although I’m not reading game-pertinent material or strategizing. However, I cannot help but get on the websites and peak around a little bit here and there, or check the latest updated news of how the server is changing with the next upgrades coming. Does this constitute evidence of addiction that points toward culpability, or maybe my trying to hold onto at least some aspect tied to my gaming personality? Julie thinks that it just makes things harder on me looking at the websites, but it’s just so tempting!! For example, whenever we go into a store, I always nonchalantly make my way by the PC game section just to look at the box and look at the images. This sounds really stupid, and it probably is, but it’s the only link that I have left.

The Harbinger

Week I Journal Entries

2006-07-04T17:31:00.000-06:00

Below here is the first week of a month-long journal that I kept after deciding that gaming was no longer going to be a part of my life. I will do my best to keep this all organized by week, so there should be three more much like this posting. After this my posts will either be a collection of random thoughts from different days, or just singular postings. Hopefully you all find this informative, enjoyable, or at least can identify with some of my descriptions or feelings in some way.

April 10, 2006

After meeting with Kurt and Olivia Bruner, Directors of VideoGameTrouble.Org, I’ve decided to take their advice and begin a journal of my thoughts and feelings as they relate to my recent retirement from video games. At this point I’m not sure where this exercise will take me, what it will accomplish, or whether it will be anything other than my mind on paper, but none-the-less I will participate. I think that in order to put things in perspective, I should probably start from the beginning of my tenure as a level 38 Night Elf Rogue playing World of Warcraft (WOW). WOW is one of the many massive multiplayer online role playing games (MMORPG’s) that have taken the world by storm, and boasts other platforms such as Final Fantasy XI Online, Dungeons and Dragons Online and Everquest to name a few.

With roughly 20 years of gaming under my belt, I can honestly say that I am a “gamer.” I managed to sell my Playstation 2 (PS2) after much deliberation and coercion from my wife Julie, who encouraged me quite fervently along the way. Roughly a month after finally selling my PS2 I happened by a friend’s place to say hello and was introduced to WOW, which he had recently started. I sat down and played the game for about two hours in late January of 2006 while waiting for my military gear to dry out and then came home. From that day forward began the slow wanting to become immersed the WOW, and while the desire was yet but a taper, that single flame soon became a firestorm. Shortly after downloading the game here at home and assuring Julie that the game was harmless, much less engaging than traditional console role playing games (RPG’s), and that I could easily put it down at any point in time with the save features of the game engine, I began exploring this new virtual world.

At first I wasn’t all that serious about lengthy playing sessions, but was content with 1-2 hour stints of time; just enough to wet the palate and get my fix. I began playing more aggressively the week of February 9,2006, because I was on terminal leave from the military. It was also the same week that my in-laws came into town. Thus began a more dedicated and lengthy campaign of questing with my character, Hakkan, as Julie was working all day and I had the mornings and afternoons to myself. While the in-laws were here, that didn’t stop me playing, since we mostly hung out and relaxed while Julie was at work, but it’s also the time period where my sessions moved from 1-2 hours to something like 4-5 hours. After we saw them off, and Julie was back to work, these timeframes became closer to 7-8 hours, and it was then that things began turning sour between Julie and I. She began too see the withdrawal of my attention, and I became more enraptured in the personal growth of Hakkan, while simultaneously finding Julie’s need for attention more and more irksome.

April 11, 2006

I think that today I’ll talk about my interest in fantasy as a whole, and how that has defined who I am, not to mention my interest in books, video games and movies in light of that magnetized pull toward a life saturated with fantasy. The funny thing about all of this is that I’ve never really thought about not having games to play, because it’s always been there for me. Gaming has been as much a part of who I am as is reading, and I think many people that know me would describe me in terms of being a gamer if asked what I liked to do. In other words, it was a part of my personality that defined a part of who I was, and in some respects still does. I don’t believe that I’ll ever be able to totally disassociate RPG’s from my personality or interests entirely, because they revolve around a central focal point of personal fulfillment for me: fantasy.

In retrospect, I think that it was the original interest in the medieval era that lead toward the transformation into fantasy, because the very foundation of fantasy finds its roots in myth, legend, fable, some aspects of the occult and the time period encompassing knights, castles, and chivalric quests. Noting the similarity of medieval society with that of fantasy world settings, not to mention my own interest in mythic creatures and magic, the immediate need to further explore fantastic, if not phantasmagorical, realms created for my enjoyment just seemed to be reflexive. Hence, I quickly moved from children’s books about knights, castles and Arthurian myth, and slowly but surely made headway into books, games and movies involving these themes. Being the intuitive and unabashedly curious person that I am, simply sticking to historical and mythological scholasticism wasn’t enough to sate my interests, so I found myself moving into the more arcane studies such as divination, necromancy, conjuration, astral projection, thaumaturgy, herbalism, and generalized areas of magic practice (magic users fall into a number of categories). While this interest was intended for greater comprehension of the characters in these realms that I was traveling through, it does show a tendency toward the need for knowing a little of everything, which is why learning about one particular topic commonly becomes an exercise in futility. However, as simply a quick anecdote, the authors Goethe and Marlow in their renditions of the Faustian legend make a pointed statement that wandering into more forbidden or taboo subject matter often find themselves in peril of losing their humanity, and I’ve always kept these warning at the forefront of my mind when investigating new areas of interest.

Now, ever since I can remember, the idea of fantasy has fascinated, enthralled and enchanted my mind. For me, fantasy is the tingling on the back of one’s neck; the shadow that passes before one’s eyes, but which can only be viewed in the periphery; the acknowledgement of something not quite there, yet felt inexplicably despite the lack of factual proof; and the curiosity of asking, “What if this were true or possible?” Fantasy is that part of the mind that never turns off and dares us to believe in something beyond our comprehension; to imagine ourselves as a part of something that cannot, for all intents and purposes, be realized in our corporeal existence. Fantasy’s place in our lives is bound to the limits of our own capacity to make it real for ourselves, and to live that alternate world through books, video games (for me, RPG’s), movies, the Dungeons & Dragons (D&D) platform, or other such mediums that invite one to take themselves away from the banality, routine and constancy of our lives.

There is a part in all of us that wishes, if only for a short duration of time, to escape from reality, the knowledge that our days will more than likely be the same, and that our only way to transcend who we are and become something more than that can be found in living as someone else through an imagined character in a book, game or movie. That is the central tenant of a story though, isn’t it? To live the life of another by experiencing their fear, pain, sorrow, exhilaration, love, pride, honor, depredation and reconciliation through the eyes of their creator (i.e. author, programmer, producer, etc.). Through this process of experiencing a character, we then either identify with them, or we altogether reject the attempted association that the character’s creator was hoping for. We also have to consider the fact that the identification process is vital to the success of the creator in selling their product, since engagement and assimilation in one way or another into the psyche (whether that be consciously or unconsciously) formulates the very genesis of imaginative cognition, not to mention further justification of replication by that creator.

Vital to any discussion of fantasy is the inherent necessity to pinpoint what it attempts to engender within us, and how the hooking mechanism fulfills its role. Now, the most common and easily manipulated forums of marketing are achieved through self-identification, and I mean this in terms of appealing to one’s interests, needs, wants, desires and dreams. I will attempt not to speak in terms of absolutes or qualifying terms, since I cannot account for all men or women, but I think that there is a significant number of us who seek an escape from reality, not due to our inability to face life itself, but because we seek the innocuous solace of a world quite apart from the form and function of our own. By taking ourselves to this place in our minds, we therefore gain unrestricted access to a part of ourselves otherwise without an outlet, and creative minds crave sensory stimulation like a drug.

In my experience, a paramount interest in fantasy is the ability to become the character in that story, game or movie and experience life through their eyes for a fixed duration of time. In respect to any of these three venues, I’ve found that I have the ability to literally block out almost all sensory distractions and almost become completely enveloped in the events unfolding before me. In other words, I can almost make myself believe that the person in the book or game (movies are less engaging in my opinion) is in fact me, and can become so connected with that storyline that I really lose my sense of place in reality. For example, there have been times when I’m reading that I will make my through 4-5 chapters and not even realize that I’m reading the story. In fact, the words on the page, my minds processing of them and the physical action of turning the pages don’t even register; all I perceive is the actual character through my eyes living out that story. I’ve always found this ability quite interesting, and it has been at the forefront of why I find fantasy stories so engaging. In terms of gaming, this magnitude of depth and engrossment isn’t as prevalent, yet I do find that it’s very easy to lose track of time, not to mention I’m more apt to not notice what’s occurring around me. I’ve recently found that MMORPG’s are much more dynamic, gripping and command one’s attention to a degree I had otherwise thought impossible. While this may not be the experience of all people who play MMORPG’s, for me this has been the case.

So, what’s the attraction to these games anyway? Well, it’s quite obvious when you think about it. How many times in real life do you have the opportunity to explore a dark rift in the earth where trolls, orcs and other denizens lie with bated breath at every turn to snuff out your life? How often do you find yourself climbing a tower to dissipate the hold of a vile sorcerer on the surrounding lands and reclaim the people’s freedom? When during our daily lives do we fly on the back of a hippogriff, explore long forgotten ruins of a once proud and teaming race, face off with a chimera, dragon or beholder, fulfill objectives for a secret guild of assassins, and see a world captured in the iron hold a countless tyrants come crashing down around their heads as you regain or remake the world as it was meant to be? Not too often, I should think. Now, some people find very little attraction in those endeavors unrelated to real-life outcomes and applicability, but a large contingent of the world’s populace do fancy these flights of the imagination through the realms of fantasy. In other words, in using our imagination and living in this fantasy realm, we control our own destiny, play the part of the epic hero, exemplify the world’s savior and become a living tale of legend. It’s almost every child’s dream come true, and it’s all made possible through some input of time and imagination to make it happen.

We also have to consider the competitive nature of many individuals, and RPG’s appear to be designed not only for our enjoyment, but to test our mental acuity, reflexes, problem-solving skills and drive to complete a number of complex (sometimes seemingly impossible) tasks toward the endgame. A lot of people enjoy that challenge of taking a mission, moving forward through a storyline, developing a character and watching them grow (it’s almost like rearing a child from infancy to godhead), and the obvious fulfillment that comes with completing the game. Of course we can’t forget the simple fact that technologies continue to improve the video and audio quality of gaming, thus making them more interactive and real to the user, which means that the user perceives it as more real, thus enhancing the overall gaming experience. For example, XBOX 360, PS3 and continually advancing hardware (video and sound cards) continue to deliver more advanced technologies that are state-of-the-art, and gamers that have been playing for 20 years life myself want too see these new innovations in game play. We started with Atari and have lived through the continued growth and expansion of the gaming industry, so seeing just how far things have really come, and where they are going is simply impossible to ignore for us. For example, the sound and video quality of full motion videos (FMV’s), which is simply a movie with enhanced graphics above normal game play has drastically improved over the last 5 years alone, so this is something that gamers look forward to when playing these games (anyone who’s played the Final Fantasy series understands this quiet well). The point is that we all have our reasons for enjoying RPG’s, but there are commonalities of interest that draw us all together in one way or another. In some ways we belong to a subculture, because we have our own language, acronyms and rules that dictate behaviors and actions during game play and this is especially true in MMORPG’s.

April 12, 2006

About two weeks ago I stopped playing video games, because it was causing marital problems, and while I didn’t want to stop, I know that it was my only choice if I wanted to remain married. While my wife and others have said that they think I am addicted to games, I’m not truly sure if I believe in such a thing as video gaming addiction. I’ve been gaming for about 20 years, and having to simply stop without an incremental process that slowly weaned me off the this long-held habit has been difficult because I love playing games. My area of interest in gaming is role-playing games (RPG’s), because I like the story lines, combat engines, building a character from nothing into a virtual (pun intended) powerhouse, and the excitement that beating a game provides. My most recent game of choice, and the one which started all the problems with the MMORPG World of Warcraft (WOW), and for the purposes of that game, I was a level 38 Night Elf Rogue named Hakkan. This entry will sort of detail the past a bit, since I quit two weeks ago and would like to explain how I’ve felt over that timeframe.

So, how does not playing games make me feel? Well, I feel genuine loss, and I’m not talking about missing gaming itself, but a loss like one would a good friend or family member. Games were for me an outlet that made me feel good about who I was virtually, because there was respect within the gaming community. After 20 years of living within the gaming community, watching the websites and being so involved with the whole RPG scene, to suddenly not have that part of my life anymore is like having a limb ripped from my body. I love gaming, because the status and respect you have in that virtual world makes up for that lack of both in reality. Sure, it may mean nothing to anyone but me and is not applicable to real life, but it was something just for me, and that was important. That subculture I mentioned yesterday is relevant to this discussion, because it meant that people depended upon me to be there and help them in their game; the obligation to be a guide and mentor for those of lower level. I guess that leaving the game makes me feel like I’ve let them down, and while they probably won’t even notice that I’m gone, I know that I’m not there. I also feel like I’ve let myself down, because I started something on an epic scale of size and proportion, only to quite less than halfway through, and I abhor people who cannot commit to something and follow through.

Now, over the past couple of weeks I’ve had numerous dreams where (as Hakkan) I’m completing quests that I had recently done, running through some region of the game, or fending off the onslaught of a vicious creature. These dreams have been difficult, because it means that I wake up thinking of gaming from the day’s inception. To add insult to injury, I also keep running into people (ironically so, since I’m not playing now) who are also playing WOW and want to know what server I play on and my characters name so that we can hook up and quest together online. Funny, when I was playing didn’t really know anyone else I could quest with, but now that I’ve stopped and am trying to stop thinking about it, I run into people left and right. Of course, every time that one of these encounters occurs, all it does is make me want to play more. These situations remind me of the lyrics from a song called Blasphemous Rumors by Depeche Mode, which state, “I don’t want to start any blasphemous rumors/ But I think that God’s got a sick sense of humor/And when I die/I expect to find Him laughing.”

To be completely truthful, I think about WOW every day, and don’t want to forget about that game, because I loved it. I loved it even more than reading, and reading is my passion. I was ready to devote myself to that game for as long as it took to complete it, and the average player has been at it for about 6 months to a year, and the expansion pack isn’t even out yet. Oh, I’m missing out on so many great adventures right now, and it’s killing me inside. I won’t even touch on how I feel in relation to my wife, Julie, but will leave that for the next entry, but suffice it to say that I just wish she could have held out long enough to allow me the time needed to complete what I started. I give everything 100% when I put my mind to it, so could I not have given the maximum effort to both my marriage and my game?

April 13, 2006

Today I’ll discuss how I’ve been feeling toward Julie since the time that I decided not to play WOW anymore. Julie and I agreed that I could play when she wasn’t home, if she was busy with something else around the house, and I was allowed two nights during the week until 12:00 am. However, once I began to get more involved with this game, Julie suddenly took on an adversarial role for me, because she was a distraction from the game. Julie was never particularly fond of games in the first place, so her patience with my gaming habit was tentative at best, and I think that this placed a good deal of strain on things between us. While I convinced myself that this tension was fiction and that things were coming along quite well, such was not the case. Julie began distancing herself from me, was more moody and seemed disconcerted. I think that she felt I was trying to live the life of a single man while being married, and in fact thought that she was sharing me with someone else: a computer. In other words, I was as much married to that game as I was her. Since I was on terminal leave during this time of conflict, that meant that I had about 8 hours per day to play while Julie was working, so for all intents and purposes I was spending more time with the game than Julie.

Julie was of course upset because I was home gaming all day while she worked, and when she came home, she knew that I hadn’t really done anything yet. For example, I would get up early with her to finish all the cleaning or chores that needed to be done, so that after she left I could devote myself fully to WOW. By 7:00 am I was on and rolling across the countryside looking for prey, and this continued till about 4:45 pm, at which time I would do the day’s dishes and tidy up a bit before she came home. Julie had noted on a number of occasions that I always seemed to be wearing the same clothes and that the dishes were still dripping when she came through the door. I would casually shrug this off, thinking that if I had all day anyway, who cared when they got done. In short, Julie felt that (as a man) I should be doing something more productive with my time, like reading, writing, cleaning, or anything other than just sitting there and interfacing with a game.

What was it about WOW that she didn’t like? Well, there is an instant text message system within the game that allows you to view any person on your server’s chat messages, and you can chat with anyone else as well. There are a number of times in the game where your character will inevitably join a group of other players to complete a quest, and this means that you can talk with them within that group. I think that Julie was threatened by the idea of my chatting with other people all day while she was at work, and whether or not those discussions within the game were directly related to the game itself, something about that didn’t sit easy with her. Julie also recognized the time commitment this game required, as a number of people that I was playing with related that they had been working on their character for over 2000 hours. That really took her by surprise, and seeing how much I was playing, she also realized that this was going to become the norm around the house for quite a duration of time. Couple that with the fact that everyone is eagerly awaiting the WOW Expansion Pack (this just means that they add more levels, dungeons, character classes, etc.), and she knew that the timeframe would increase exponentially. Lastly, Julie saw that my playing this game went beyond the pure physicality of being at the computer itself. When I wasn’t playing I was consulting websites, reading information, or mentally strategizing the next session’s events in my mind, and this took me away from her mentally even when I was spending time with her. All and all, Julie felt like she was getting less and less attention from me while playing, and when I was spending time with her, the quality of that time was diminished by my mind wandering into a virtual chasm of planning.

April 14, 2006

How did I feel about Julie specifically at this time, and how do I feel now? Well, honestly I was constantly frustrated by her, because she was a roadblock to my playing. Always feeling guilty about what you enjoy diminishes the capacity to experience it the way it was meant to be, and my guilt over trying to hide the number of hours played, or whether I was thinking about it became tedious. I resented her for having to feel guilty, and that caused me to be frustrated, moody, thoughtless and inattentive. Julie went from the love of my life to the thorn in my side within a number of days, because she was now the object and substance of what kept me from further character development within the game. If I mentioned the game she would become upset, which made my angry because I had no one to share my excitement with, and I felt that as a supportive wife she should want to hear about what excited me.

Another sticking point that she quickly picked up on was the fact that her coming home at the standard time of 5:00 bothered me, because sometimes I wasn’t finished with what I was working on. Now, this was compounded when she would come home early, and that really irked me, because I could lose anywhere from 2-5 hours worth of game time when she worked a half day. Knowing that she was home for good, that I couldn’t play while she was home, and having to quite prematurely caused a further gap to form between us. For example, she came home at noon one day and I said, “What are you doing home so early? Don’t you ever work a full day?” Oh boy, that was a mistake! There were other versions of this same statement made a number of times by me, but after that I tried to make them more covert and make my disappointment less apparent. I think that this really hurt Julie, but I didn’t care, because that was my time to play and she was interrupting that time.

Yet another tactic I would use to get more game time was to innocently suggest that she take a nap when tired, and she would usually fall for that one and go lay down for a 2-3 hour period. Well, that was perfect WOW time for me! I found myself trying to find reasons for her to not be around or sleeping so that I could play more. Of particular frustration were the nights that I wanted to stay up and play, because I just wanted her to get tired and go to bed. I would try to urge her in that direction throughout the night, constantly asking if she was tired and wanted me to put her down for the night. After she was in bed, I’d race down the steps to the den and start playing, but then I found myself stressed out trying to fit in as much as possible prior to midnight. Oh, and on the five nights a week that I had to be in bed at the same time, I was irritable and resentful for having to be there, because I could have been making headway in the game.

Truthfully, during the time that I was playing WOW, I was constantly at odds with Julie, because she told me that she didn’t like the game and that I should do something else with my time. Who was she to tell me what to do with my time, especially when I had time off and she was at work? How dare she dictate what I should be doing while she was at work! That was my time, and no one places a level of value on the activities that I do on my time. I also saw this as a betrayal of our agreement that I could play while she was gone, and I saw her as less reliable and honest after making a bargain with me a then breaking it by telling me that I should do something else than play my game. After all, I had never told her what she should do with her time, and I never would (this still stands today of course). In my opinion, games weren’t a waste of time, because they were important to me, and the fact that I enjoyed them was all the validation they needed. Me telling her that scrap booking or writing cards was a waste of time and that she should do something else would have been saying that I didn’t love her unconditionally, or that I didn’t accept that part of her. That is exactly how I viewed her disapproval of my games: a betrayal of our marriage and me. My question was, if she tells me that I can’t play games, what’s next? When will this end? I remembered the stories I’d heard when single about men getting married and having their lives controlled by their wives, and how they felt less than men because they tried to please them at the expense of their own happiness. I felt like that was going to be me, and that made me very angry at her. I was also upset with God for placing one of the two things that I loved (my wife) at odds with the other (gaming), and I felt like I was being asked to chose between one or the other. Choose? Why should I have to choose? Why can’t she just be stronger emotionally, get a hobby and allow a peaceful coexistence?

There was a point where Julie could no longer stand it (that was like 2 weeks or less, much to my chagrin) and asked me pointedly, “If you had to choose between me and the game, what would you choose?” Well, this wasn’t just a rhetorical question, but her gauging my response to find out what was more important to me. Oh, did I want to rip a hole through the side of the house!!!! What kind of question is that? Of course I wouldn’t let our marriage fail over a game, and I figured that she was banking on that, and knew if given an ultimatum she would win and I would lose. She would leave me, or the game would leave. I then asked myself if being with her would become a never ending zero sum game, where it was her way or nothing. My mind kept asking if this was just the first step in the loss of any control in our marriage as a man, and what other degradations would come next. Could I allow this to happen to me?

Well, I chose in the end to erase the game, and that made me quite depressed, sad, moody and upset. While I wondered if I would be able to forgive Julie, I knew that it would at least keep her quiet, and if I got luck, help make her happy again. In retrospect, there isn’t a day that goes by I don’t wonder where I would be in my game, miss the excitement of dopamine dumps, and wish that I could be wandering about the WOW with everyone else. I think about how lucky there are to have that opportunity, and if they have the same problems that I had. Are their wives more tolerant, or even play with them, or is every session just one time closer to their character’s doom too? I’m always trying to think of some way to get that game back on my system with Julie’s blessing, but I know it’s never going to happen. I’ve mentioned writing a book about video game addiction with WOW as the basis, which has a funny story. Julie was elated at the idea of a book, but I told her that in order to really write the book and have credibility, that I would need to have completed the game (WOW Expansion Pack included) and have an active character. The other option was to start a less time-intensive game like Battle for Middle-Earth I/II, which is based off of Tolkien’s book trilogy. Well, needless to say, Julie wasn’t falling for it, but you can’t blame a gamer for trying!!!!

April 15, 2006

Today I realized something quite profound, which is that not playing my game and working again makes me realize just how busy life really is. As much as I miss WOW and wonder how Hakkan is doing just sitting there tapping his foot at the hippogriff flight platform in Stormwind City (he’s got to be really bored by now), I know that there just wouldn’t really be that much time right now either. I mean, with the yard to finish, cleaning, reading, running errands and gathering supplies for the landscaping, this would definitely be a hard time to be torn between responsibilities and pleasantries.

Speaking again of life being “full,” it just blows me away how much there is to do when you own a home and get married. Shoot, I remember being single and having almost nothing to do everyday of the week, and I loved all that free time to just do what I wanted. Now it seems that this time is getting more and more minute by the week, and we don’t even have kids yet! While I love my wife more than anything in the world and would die for her in a heartbeat, I have to admit that marriage really does mean sacrifices in time for oneself. That time given up in games was easy at first, because I was planning on just playing a couple of remaining PS2 games and then selling it for good. This is exactly what happened. However, with the advent of WOW, there was just no escaping the reality and gravitational pull of that game’s enticement. It called to me at all hours of the day and night (it still haunts my dreams some sleepless nights), but now I mostly just miss the feelings of accomplishment it gave me, and regret that there isn’t more time for things like this. Not that I’m not a man, or wish to avoid the things a man should exemplify, but I think there is a part in us all that fear time; that fears the eventuality of growing older and becoming our parents as we viewed them in adolescence. Maybe games, and as mature a habit as it became for me (I mean, I didn’t take games as a joke), was a way to hold onto my childhood and not forget that innocence of youth. Who knows?

April 16, 2006

Today is Easter, and this definitely wouldn’t have been a gaming day, whether or not I wanted it to be so or not. Not too many people would probably be playing on a nice day like this, but since there are over 5 million people globally to play, I’m sure I could have found company. There isn’t too much to say this afternoon, since I’m mostly just busy with yard things and a number of other tasks, but I’ll make sure that I hit it again real good on Monday. I did notice that the WOW Expansion Pack is coming out fairly soon though, which caused some lament. Wow, it sounds like there is another good thousand hours of game play or so. Not to mention that they just put out an Art of WOW as well, and this will supplement the Atlas and Player’s Guide. Too bad that I’ll never have leave to purchase or use any of them.

The Harbinger

Opening Remarks & Introduction

2006-06-14T21:46:00.001-06:00

This blog page was designed to provide gamers and parents of gamers with an open forum to discuss gaming issues and concerns that they might have. I would submit that I played games for about 20 years and have personally participated in the evolution of the video game industry from its infancy. While anyone is invited to post responses and ask questions, I would request that individuals with dissenting opinions post their responses in a mature and respectful manner and realize that not everyone views things in the same way. While I no longer play games and was more than likely addicted to them, I thin that increasing awareness of potential threats that gaming can have is a valuable tool. With this being said, let me state right now that I am not demonizing gamers or the gaming industry, but will simply make the argument for some people being more predispositioned than others toward addictive behaviors. Truth be told, I loved games and still do, and I hope that we can also use this blog as a way to share information that we find interesting in our gaming experiences. Hopefully you will all find this site useful, informative and professional, while also giving you the opportunity to share opinions and learn from others.

I hope that you will take the time to provide me with your thoughts and feedback, while also inserting dissenting opinions or views, as they add to the overall enjoyment, understanding and create a more well-rounded venue of education for us all. However, I would again caution that we not become caustic or antagonistic, because it really isn't necessary. Truly, I've played so many role-playing games (RPG's) over the last 20 years on so many systems that I can barely recall what they were at this point.

Since the time that I ended my gaming career I have been journalizing to keep a running log of my feelings, reactions and thoughts about the last 20 years. This is no small task, and in many ways has been trying for me and my family. Undoing 20 years of habituation is nothing to shake a stick at! What I intend to do is post my journals as quickly as possible so that you can all view them, and this should provide people with a very transparent and honest assessment of what games mean to someone that played them for as long as I did. Thanks, and I can't wait to hear from you all!

Sincerely,

The Harbinger