Week I Journal Entries

Below here is the first week of a month-long journal that I kept after deciding that gaming was no longer going to be a part of my life. I will do my best to keep this all organized by week, so there should be three more much like this posting. After this my posts will either be a collection of random thoughts from different days, or just singular postings. Hopefully you all find this informative, enjoyable, or at least can identify with some of my descriptions or feelings in some way.

April 10, 2006

After meeting with Kurt and Olivia Bruner, Directors of VideoGameTrouble.Org, I’ve decided to take their advice and begin a journal of my thoughts and feelings as they relate to my recent retirement from video games. At this point I’m not sure where this exercise will take me, what it will accomplish, or whether it will be anything other than my mind on paper, but none-the-less I will participate. I think that in order to put things in perspective, I should probably start from the beginning of my tenure as a level 38 Night Elf Rogue playing World of Warcraft (WOW). WOW is one of the many massive multiplayer online role playing games (MMORPG’s) that have taken the world by storm, and boasts other platforms such as Final Fantasy XI Online, Dungeons and Dragons Online and Everquest to name a few.

With roughly 20 years of gaming under my belt, I can honestly say that I am a “gamer.” I managed to sell my Playstation 2 (PS2) after much deliberation and coercion from my wife Julie, who encouraged me quite fervently along the way. Roughly a month after finally selling my PS2 I happened by a friend’s place to say hello and was introduced to WOW, which he had recently started. I sat down and played the game for about two hours in late January of 2006 while waiting for my military gear to dry out and then came home. From that day forward began the slow wanting to become immersed the WOW, and while the desire was yet but a taper, that single flame soon became a firestorm. Shortly after downloading the game here at home and assuring Julie that the game was harmless, much less engaging than traditional console role playing games (RPG’s), and that I could easily put it down at any point in time with the save features of the game engine, I began exploring this new virtual world.

At first I wasn’t all that serious about lengthy playing sessions, but was content with 1-2 hour stints of time; just enough to wet the palate and get my fix. I began playing more aggressively the week of February 9, 2006, because I was on terminal leave from the military. It was also the same week that my in-laws came into town. Thus began a more dedicated and lengthy campaign of questing with my character, Hakkan, as Julie was working all day and I had the mornings and afternoons to myself. While the in-laws were here, that didn’t stop me playing, since we mostly hung out and relaxed while Julie was at work, but it’s also the time period where my sessions moved from 1-2 hours to something like 4-5 hours. After we saw them off, and Julie was back to work, these timeframes became closer to 7-8 hours, and it was then that things began turning sour between Julie and I. She began too see the withdrawal of my attention, and I became more enraptured in the personal growth of Hakkan, while simultaneously finding Julie’s need for attention more and more irksome.

April 11, 2006

I think that today I’ll talk about my interest in fantasy as a whole, and how that has defined who I am, not to mention my interest in books, video games and movies in light of that magnetized pull toward a life saturated with fantasy. The funny thing about all of this is that I’ve never really thought about not having games to play, because it’s always been there for me. Gaming has been as much a part of who I am as is reading, and I think many people that know me would describe me in terms of being a gamer if asked what I liked to do. In other words, it was a part of my personality that defined a part of who I was, and in some respects still does. I don’t believe that I’ll ever be able to totally disassociate RPG’s from my personality or interests entirely, because they revolve around a central focal point of personal fulfillment for me: fantasy.

In retrospect, I think that it was the original interest in the medieval era that lead toward the transformation into fantasy, because the very foundation of fantasy finds its roots in myth, legend, fable, some aspects of the occult and the time period encompassing knights, castles, and chivalric quests. Noting the similarity of medieval society with that of fantasy world settings, not to mention my own interest in mythic creatures and magic, the immediate need to further explore fantastic, if not phantasmagorical, realms created for my enjoyment just seemed to be reflexive. Hence, I quickly moved from children’s books about knights, castles and Arthurian myth, and slowly but surely made headway into books, games and movies involving these themes. Being the intuitive and unabashedly curious person that I am, simply sticking to historical and mythological scholasticism wasn’t enough to sate my interests, so I found myself moving into the more arcane studies such as divination, necromancy, conjuration, astral projection, thaumaturgy, herbalism, and generalized areas of magic practice (magic users fall into a number of categories). While this interest was intended for greater comprehension of the characters in these realms that I was traveling through, it does show a tendency toward the need for knowing a little of everything, which is why learning about one particular topic commonly becomes an exercise in futility. However, as simply a quick anecdote, the authors Goethe and Marlow in their renditions of the Faustian legend make a pointed statement that wandering into more forbidden or taboo subject matter often find themselves in peril of losing their humanity, and I’ve always kept these warning at the forefront of my mind when investigating new areas of interest.

Now, ever since I can remember, the idea of fantasy has fascinated, enthralled and enchanted my mind. For me, fantasy is the tingling on the back of one’s neck; the shadow that passes before one’s eyes, but which can only be viewed in the periphery; the acknowledgement of something not quite there, yet felt inexplicably despite the lack of factual proof; and the curiosity of asking, “What if this were true or possible?” Fantasy is that part of the mind that never turns off and dares us to believe in something beyond our comprehension; to imagine ourselves as a part of something that cannot, for all intents and purposes, be realized in our corporeal existence. Fantasy’s place in our lives is bound to the limits of our own capacity to make it real for ourselves, and to live that alternate world through books, video games (for me, RPG’s), movies, the Dungeons & Dragons (D&D) platform, or other such mediums that invite one to take themselves away from the banality, routine and constancy of our lives.

There is a part in all of us that wishes, if only for a short duration of time, to escape from reality, the knowledge that our days will more than likely be the same, and that our only way to transcend who we are and become something more than that can be found in living as someone else through an imagined character in a book, game or movie. That is the central tenant of a story though, isn’t it? To live the life of another by experiencing their fear, pain, sorrow, exhilaration, love, pride, honor, depredation and reconciliation through the eyes of their creator (i.e. author, programmer, producer, etc.). Through this process of experiencing a character, we then either identify with them, or we altogether reject the attempted association that the character’s creator was hoping for. We also have to consider the fact that the identification process is vital to the success of the creator in selling their product, since engagement and assimilation in one way or another into the psyche (whether that be consciously or unconsciously) formulates the very genesis of imaginative cognition, not to mention further justification of replication by that creator.

Vital to any discussion of fantasy is the inherent necessity to pinpoint what it attempts to engender within us, and how the hooking mechanism fulfills its role. Now, the most common and easily manipulated forums of marketing are achieved through self-identification, and I mean this in terms of appealing to one’s interests, needs, wants, desires and dreams. I will attempt not to speak in terms of absolutes or qualifying terms, since I cannot account for all men or women, but I think that there is a significant number of us who seek an escape from reality, not due to our inability to face life itself, but because we seek the innocuous solace of a world quite apart from the form and function of our own. By taking ourselves to this place in our minds, we therefore gain unrestricted access to a part of ourselves otherwise without an outlet, and creative minds crave sensory stimulation like a drug.

In my experience, a paramount interest in fantasy is the ability to become the character in that story, game or movie and experience life through their eyes for a fixed duration of time. In respect to any of these three venues, I’ve found that I have the ability to literally block out almost all sensory distractions and almost become completely enveloped in the events unfolding before me. In other words, I can almost make myself believe that the person in the book or game (movies are less engaging in my opinion) is in fact me, and can become so connected with that storyline that I really lose my sense of place in reality. For example, there have been times when I’m reading that I will make my through 4-5 chapters and not even realize that I’m reading the story. In fact, the words on the page, my minds processing of them and the physical action of turning the pages don’t even register; all I perceive is the actual character through my eyes living out that story. I’ve always found this ability quite interesting, and it has been at the forefront of why I find fantasy stories so engaging. In terms of gaming, this magnitude of depth and engrossment isn’t as prevalent, yet I do find that it’s very easy to lose track of time, not to mention I’m more apt to not notice what’s occurring around me. I’ve recently found that MMORPG’s are much more dynamic, gripping and command one’s attention to a degree I had otherwise thought impossible. While this may not be the experience of all people who play MMORPG’s, for me this has been the case.

So, what’s the attraction to these games anyway? Well, it’s quite obvious when you think about it. How many times in real life do you have the opportunity to explore a dark rift in the earth where trolls, orcs and other denizens lie with bated breath at every turn to snuff out your life? How often do you find yourself climbing a tower to dissipate the hold of a vile sorcerer on the surrounding lands and reclaim the people’s freedom? When during our daily lives do we fly on the back of a hippogriff, explore long forgotten ruins of a once proud and teaming race, face off with a chimera, dragon or beholder, fulfill objectives for a secret guild of assassins, and see a world captured in the iron hold a countless tyrants come crashing down around their heads as you regain or remake the world as it was meant to be? Not too often, I should think. Now, some people find very little attraction in those endeavors unrelated to real-life outcomes and applicability, but a large contingent of the world’s populace do fancy these flights of the imagination through the realms of fantasy. In other words, in using our imagination and living in this fantasy realm, we control our own destiny, play the part of the epic hero, exemplify the world’s savior and become a living tale of legend. It’s almost every child’s dream come true, and it’s all made possible through some input of time and imagination to make it happen.

We also have to consider the competitive nature of many individuals, and RPG’s appear to be designed not only for our enjoyment, but to test our mental acuity, reflexes, problem-solving skills and drive to complete a number of complex (sometimes seemingly impossible) tasks toward the endgame. A lot of people enjoy that challenge of taking a mission, moving forward through a storyline, developing a character and watching them grow (it’s almost like rearing a child from infancy to godhead), and the obvious fulfillment that comes with completing the game. Of course we can’t forget the simple fact that technologies continue to improve the video and audio quality of gaming, thus making them more interactive and real to the user, which means that the user perceives it as more real, thus enhancing the overall gaming experience. For example, XBOX 360, PS3 and continually advancing hardware (video and sound cards) continue to deliver more advanced technologies that are state-of-the-art, and gamers that have been playing for 20 years life myself want too see these new innovations in game play. We started with Atari and have lived through the continued growth and expansion of the gaming industry, so seeing just how far things have really come, and where they are going is simply impossible to ignore for us. For example, the sound and video quality of full motion videos (FMV’s), which is simply a movie with enhanced graphics above normal game play has drastically improved over the last 5 years alone, so this is something that gamers look forward to when playing these games (anyone who’s played the Final Fantasy series understands this quiet well). The point is that we all have our reasons for enjoying RPG’s, but there are commonalities of interest that draw us all together in one way or another. In some ways we belong to a subculture, because we have our own language, acronyms and rules that dictate behaviors and actions during game play and this is especially true in MMORPG’s.

April 12, 2006

About two weeks ago I stopped playing video games, because it was causing marital problems, and while I didn’t want to stop, I know that it was my only choice if I wanted to remain married. While my wife and others have said that they think I am addicted to games, I’m not truly sure if I believe in such a thing as video gaming addiction. I’ve been gaming for about 20 years, and having to simply stop without an incremental process that slowly weaned me off the this long-held habit has been difficult because I love playing games. My area of interest in gaming is role-playing games (RPG’s), because I like the story lines, combat engines, building a character from nothing into a virtual (pun intended) powerhouse, and the excitement that beating a game provides. My most recent game of choice, and the one which started all the problems with the MMORPG World of Warcraft (WOW), and for the purposes of that game, I was a level 38 Night Elf Rogue named Hakkan. This entry will sort of detail the past a bit, since I quit two weeks ago and would like to explain how I’ve felt over that timeframe.

So, how does not playing games make me feel? Well, I feel genuine loss, and I’m not talking about missing gaming itself, but a loss like one would a good friend or family member. Games were for me an outlet that made me feel good about who I was virtually, because there was respect within the gaming community. After 20 years of living within the gaming community, watching the websites and being so involved with the whole RPG scene, to suddenly not have that part of my life anymore is like having a limb ripped from my body. I love gaming, because the status and respect you have in that virtual world makes up for that lack of both in reality. Sure, it may mean nothing to anyone but me and is not applicable to real life, but it was something just for me, and that was important. That subculture I mentioned yesterday is relevant to this discussion, because it meant that people depended upon me to be there and help them in their game; the obligation to be a guide and mentor for those of lower level. I guess that leaving the game makes me feel like I’ve let them down, and while they probably won’t even notice that I’m gone, I know that I’m not there. I also feel like I’ve let myself down, because I started something on an epic scale of size and proportion, only to quite less than halfway through, and I abhor people who cannot commit to something and follow through.

Now, over the past couple of weeks I’ve had numerous dreams where (as Hakkan) I’m completing quests that I had recently done, running through some region of the game, or fending off the onslaught of a vicious creature. These dreams have been difficult, because it means that I wake up thinking of gaming from the day’s inception. To add insult to injury, I also keep running into people (ironically so, since I’m not playing now) who are also playing WOW and want to know what server I play on and my characters name so that we can hook up and quest together online. Funny, when I was playing didn’t really know anyone else I could quest with, but now that I’ve stopped and am trying to stop thinking about it, I run into people left and right. Of course, every time that one of these encounters occurs, all it does is make me want to play more. These situations remind me of the lyrics from a song called Blasphemous Rumors by Depeche Mode, which state, “I don’t want to start any blasphemous rumors/ But I think that God’s got a sick sense of humor/And when I die/I expect to find Him laughing.”

To be completely truthful, I think about WOW every day, and don’t want to forget about that game, because I loved it. I loved it even more than reading, and reading is my passion. I was ready to devote myself to that game for as long as it took to complete it, and the average player has been at it for about 6 months to a year, and the expansion pack isn’t even out yet. Oh, I’m missing out on so many great adventures right now, and it’s killing me inside. I won’t even touch on how I feel in relation to my wife, Julie, but will leave that for the next entry, but suffice it to say that I just wish she could have held out long enough to allow me the time needed to complete what I started. I give everything 100% when I put my mind to it, so could I not have given the maximum effort to both my marriage and my game?

April 13, 2006

Today I’ll discuss how I’ve been feeling toward Julie since the time that I decided not to play WOW anymore. Julie and I agreed that I could play when she wasn’t home, if she was busy with something else around the house, and I was allowed two nights during the week until 12:00 am. However, once I began to get more involved with this game, Julie suddenly took on an adversarial role for me, because she was a distraction from the game. Julie was never particularly fond of games in the first place, so her patience with my gaming habit was tentative at best, and I think that this placed a good deal of strain on things between us. While I convinced myself that this tension was fiction and that things were coming along quite well, such was not the case. Julie began distancing herself from me, was more moody and seemed disconcerted. I think that she felt I was trying to live the life of a single man while being married, and in fact thought that she was sharing me with someone else: a computer. In other words, I was as much married to that game as I was her. Since I was on terminal leave during this time of conflict, that meant that I had about 8 hours per day to play while Julie was working, so for all intents and purposes I was spending more time with the game than Julie.

Julie was of course upset because I was home gaming all day while she worked, and when she came home, she knew that I hadn’t really done anything yet. For example, I would get up early with her to finish all the cleaning or chores that needed to be done, so that after she left I could devote myself fully to WOW. By 7:00 am I was on and rolling across the countryside looking for prey, and this continued till about 4:45 pm, at which time I would do the day’s dishes and tidy up a bit before she came home. Julie had noted on a number of occasions that I always seemed to be wearing the same clothes and that the dishes were still dripping when she came through the door. I would casually shrug this off, thinking that if I had all day anyway, who cared when they got done. In short, Julie felt that (as a man) I should be doing something more productive with my time, like reading, writing, cleaning, or anything other than just sitting there and interfacing with a game.

What was it about WOW that she didn’t like? Well, there is an instant text message system within the game that allows you to view any person on your server’s chat messages, and you can chat with anyone else as well. There are a number of times in the game where your character will inevitably join a group of other players to complete a quest, and this means that you can talk with them within that group. I think that Julie was threatened by the idea of my chatting with other people all day while she was at work, and whether or not those discussions within the game were directly related to the game itself, something about that didn’t sit easy with her. Julie also recognized the time commitment this game required, as a number of people that I was playing with related that they had been working on their character for over 2000 hours. That really took her by surprise, and seeing how much I was playing, she also realized that this was going to become the norm around the house for quite a duration of time. Couple that with the fact that everyone is eagerly awaiting the WOW Expansion Pack (this just means that they add more levels, dungeons, character classes, etc.), and she knew that the timeframe would increase exponentially. Lastly, Julie saw that my playing this game went beyond the pure physicality of being at the computer itself. When I wasn’t playing I was consulting websites, reading information, or mentally strategizing the next session’s events in my mind, and this took me away from her mentally even when I was spending time with her. All and all, Julie felt like she was getting less and less attention from me while playing, and when I was spending time with her, the quality of that time was diminished by my mind wandering into a virtual chasm of planning.

April 14, 2006

How did I feel about Julie specifically at this time, and how do I feel now? Well, honestly I was constantly frustrated by her, because she was a roadblock to my playing. Always feeling guilty about what you enjoy diminishes the capacity to experience it the way it was meant to be, and my guilt over trying to hide the number of hours played, or whether I was thinking about it became tedious. I resented her for having to feel guilty, and that caused me to be frustrated, moody, thoughtless and inattentive. Julie went from the love of my life to the thorn in my side within a number of days, because she was now the object and substance of what kept me from further character development within the game. If I mentioned the game she would become upset, which made my angry because I had no one to share my excitement with, and I felt that as a supportive wife she should want to hear about what excited me.

Another sticking point that she quickly picked up on was the fact that her coming home at the standard time of 5:00 bothered me, because sometimes I wasn’t finished with what I was working on. Now, this was compounded when she would come home early, and that really irked me, because I could lose anywhere from 2-5 hours worth of game time when she worked a half day. Knowing that she was home for good, that I couldn’t play while she was home, and having to quite prematurely caused a further gap to form between us. For example, she came home at noon one day and I said, “What are you doing home so early? Don’t you ever work a full day?” Oh boy, that was a mistake! There were other versions of this same statement made a number of times by me, but after that I tried to make them more covert and make my disappointment less apparent. I think that this really hurt Julie, but I didn’t care, because that was my time to play and she was interrupting that time.

Yet another tactic I would use to get more game time was to innocently suggest that she take a nap when tired, and she would usually fall for that one and go lay down for a 2-3 hour period. Well, that was perfect WOW time for me! I found myself trying to find reasons for her to not be around or sleeping so that I could play more. Of particular frustration were the nights that I wanted to stay up and play, because I just wanted her to get tired and go to bed. I would try to urge her in that direction throughout the night, constantly asking if she was tired and wanted me to put her down for the night. After she was in bed, I’d race down the steps to the den and start playing, but then I found myself stressed out trying to fit in as much as possible prior to midnight. Oh, and on the five nights a week that I had to be in bed at the same time, I was irritable and resentful for having to be there, because I could have been making headway in the game.

Truthfully, during the time that I was playing WOW, I was constantly at odds with Julie, because she told me that she didn’t like the game and that I should do something else with my time. Who was she to tell me what to do with my time, especially when I had time off and she was at work? How dare she dictate what I should be doing while she was at work! That was my time, and no one places a level of value on the activities that I do on my time. I also saw this as a betrayal of our agreement that I could play while she was gone, and I saw her as less reliable and honest after making a bargain with me a then breaking it by telling me that I should do something else than play my game. After all, I had never told her what she should do with her time, and I never would (this still stands today of course). In my opinion, games weren’t a waste of time, because they were important to me, and the fact that I enjoyed them was all the validation they needed. Me telling her that scrap booking or writing cards was a waste of time and that she should do something else would have been saying that I didn’t love her unconditionally, or that I didn’t accept that part of her. That is exactly how I viewed her disapproval of my games: a betrayal of our marriage and me. My question was, if she tells me that I can’t play games, what’s next? When will this end? I remembered the stories I’d heard when single about men getting married and having their lives controlled by their wives, and how they felt less than men because they tried to please them at the expense of their own happiness. I felt like that was going to be me, and that made me very angry at her. I was also upset with God for placing one of the two things that I loved (my wife) at odds with the other (gaming), and I felt like I was being asked to chose between one or the other. Choose? Why should I have to choose? Why can’t she just be stronger emotionally, get a hobby and allow a peaceful coexistence?

There was a point where Julie could no longer stand it (that was like 2 weeks or less, much to my chagrin) and asked me pointedly, “If you had to choose between me and the game, what would you choose?” Well, this wasn’t just a rhetorical question, but her gauging my response to find out what was more important to me. Oh, did I want to rip a hole through the side of the house!!!! What kind of question is that? Of course I wouldn’t let our marriage fail over a game, and I figured that she was banking on that, and knew if given an ultimatum she would win and I would lose. She would leave me, or the game would leave. I then asked myself if being with her would become a never ending zero sum game, where it was her way or nothing. My mind kept asking if this was just the first step in the loss of any control in our marriage as a man, and what other degradations would come next. Could I allow this to happen to me?

Well, I chose in the end to erase the game, and that made me quite depressed, sad, moody and upset. While I wondered if I would be able to forgive Julie, I knew that it would at least keep her quiet, and if I got luck, help make her happy again. In retrospect, there isn’t a day that goes by I don’t wonder where I would be in my game, miss the excitement of dopamine dumps, and wish that I could be wandering about the WOW with everyone else. I think about how lucky there are to have that opportunity, and if they have the same problems that I had. Are their wives more tolerant, or even play with them, or is every session just one time closer to their character’s doom too? I’m always trying to think of some way to get that game back on my system with Julie’s blessing, but I know it’s never going to happen. I’ve mentioned writing a book about video game addiction with WOW as the basis, which has a funny story. Julie was elated at the idea of a book, but I told her that in order to really write the book and have credibility, that I would need to have completed the game (WOW Expansion Pack included) and have an active character. The other option was to start a less time-intensive game like Battle for Middle-Earth I/II, which is based off of Tolkien’s book trilogy. Well, needless to say, Julie wasn’t falling for it, but you can’t blame a gamer for trying!!!!

April 15, 2006

Today I realized something quite profound, which is that not playing my game and working again makes me realize just how busy life really is. As much as I miss WOW and wonder how Hakkan is doing just sitting there tapping his foot at the hippogriff flight platform in Stormwind City (he’s got to be really bored by now), I know that there just wouldn’t really be that much time right now either. I mean, with the yard to finish, cleaning, reading, running errands and gathering supplies for the landscaping, this would definitely be a hard time to be torn between responsibilities and pleasantries.

Speaking again of life being “full,” it just blows me away how much there is to do when you own a home and get married. Shoot, I remember being single and having almost nothing to do everyday of the week, and I loved all that free time to just do what I wanted. Now it seems that this time is getting more and more minute by the week, and we don’t even have kids yet! While I love my wife more than anything in the world and would die for her in a heartbeat, I have to admit that marriage really does mean sacrifices in time for oneself. That time given up in games was easy at first, because I was planning on just playing a couple of remaining PS2 games and then selling it for good. This is exactly what happened. However, with the advent of WOW, there was just no escaping the reality and gravitational pull of that game’s enticement. It called to me at all hours of the day and night (it still haunts my dreams some sleepless nights), but now I mostly just miss the feelings of accomplishment it gave me, and regret that there isn’t more time for things like this. Not that I’m not a man, or wish to avoid the things a man should exemplify, but I think there is a part in us all that fear time; that fears the eventuality of growing older and becoming our parents as we viewed them in adolescence. Maybe games, and as mature a habit as it became for me (I mean, I didn’t take games as a joke), was a way to hold onto my childhood and not forget that innocence of youth. Who knows?

April 16, 2006

Today is Easter, and this definitely wouldn’t have been a gaming day, whether or not I wanted it to be so or not. Not too many people would probably be playing on a nice day like this, but since there are over 5 million people globally to play, I’m sure I could have found company. There isn’t too much to say this afternoon, since I’m mostly just busy with yard things and a number of other tasks, but I’ll make sure that I hit it again real good on Monday. I did notice that the WOW Expansion Pack is coming out fairly soon though, which caused some lament. Wow, it sounds like there is another good thousand hours of game play or so. Not to mention that they just put out an Art of WOW as well, and this will supplement the Atlas and Player’s Guide. Too bad that I’ll never have leave to purchase or use any of them.

The Harbinger