Week 4Journal Entries

Below here is the fourth week of a month-long journal that I kept after deciding that gaming was no longer going to be a part of my life. After this my posts will either be a collection of random thoughts from different days, or just singular postings. Hopefully you all find this informative, enjoyable, or at least can identify with some of my descriptions or feelings in some way.

May 1, 2006

Wow, today sure was busy for me. I think that I had more to do today than I’ve experienced in quite some time, but it made the day go by real quickly. I feel like the gaming issue is getting a little easier here, since I am so busy with other things at this point. There just isn’t time to be concerned with not having games, because there really isn’t any time as it is. Now, would this be different if I was still actively working with Hakkan? My best guess is that having the lure and distraction of the game would not only lead to time spent playing when I should be working on the landscaping, but would invariably lead to conflicts with Julie and I over that very point. Part of me would constantly want to be in the den playing WOW when doing work outside, which would cause me to be frustrated, and Julie being able to sense that inner conflict in me would more than likely become upset with my reactions to those feelings herself. It’s always hard when I think about what I could be doing in my game, because I can vividly recall the feelings and sensations that came with those gaming experiences. They are so firmly entrenched in my mind that simply thinking about WOW can make me long for it, and this usually manifests itself in me trying to talk about WOW with Julie in some way, shape or form.

All in all, I think that having the landscaping obligation as a necessity right now has helped with the transition to not gaming, because it’s kept my mind focused on that. Not to mention that I’m so physically tired from the exertion of that work that I’m too tired to worry about much else. Like anything I do in life, I put my best foot forward, so that foot has now switched over from gaming to landscaping, which in the long-run will serve my marriage much better. Wouldn’t you agree?

May 2, 2006

Again, today was a very busy period and I’ll be traveling for work next week, so not a lot of time thinking about gaming for the moment. You know, I try to make light of the whole ordeal that we had by making jokes with Julie about WOW and being able to play again, but it’s all in good fun. However, I think that Julie wonders at times if I am joking, and I think that she gets a little defensive when I talk about gaming in some aspects. I can’t say that I blame her, but it’s interesting that sometimes just the mere mentioning of something creates an unexpected reaction in another person. For the most part, I think that Julie mostly wants to know that she is needed, loved, elevated above other things, and that she matters most, and perhaps the memories she has of feeling subordinate to gaming creates this reaction, which means that I need to be especially wise in how I joke with her.

Anyway, I don’t feel angry or resentful anymore about not having games, but just those clinging memories of time spent wandering the face of WOW and at times wishing I was back there again in my guise as a Rogue. We had some great adventures together, Hakkan and I, but now that I look back on it, I wonder whether or not I was ever truly being honest with myself in believing that I could really complete the game and keep Julie happy. I felt like our agreements were more like incremental stalemates more than anything, but at the time that was all I cared about. Those armistices got me from one argument to the next, and then I would be renegotiating all over again to protect my territory and access to WOW. In other words, my experiences with WOW was borrowed time that would never come with a complete sense of peace, because I knew that there would always be another conflict to deal with. Ergo, my only real peace with Julie would come from the loss of gaming itself, but that would come with the inevitable byproduct of the loss of something sacred to me.

May 3, 2006

After a phone conversation with Julie today, I was wondering exactly what she was feeling during this whole ordeal about a month ago. I mean, I know how she felt from what she told me at the time, and from my own analysis, but how nice would it be to have her actually sit down and discuss those times with me so I can better comprehend the impact upon her at that time. I think that Julie and I have had some very good talks post game time, but haven’t really gone back over any of those issues since that time, and I wonder how she feels about things now. You know, if she thinks that I’ve changed now that I’m not playing, if I have made steps in good faith that reflect reconciliation on my part, etc. I just want to make sure that the sacrifice I made has made us stronger (and I do), but would like to hear from Julie if she concurs with this assessment. I’ll have to mention this to her this evening, because it would make an interesting addition to this entry.

May 4, 2006

Here are the results of our discussion this evening about changes in both of us now that I’m no longer playing WOW. I could analyze this and talk it to death, but I think that the results speak for themselves. What we didn’t discuss are any possible negative changes observed in each other, but after asking Julie about if there were any to mention, she replied with an affirmative “no.” Here are the results:

Changes observed in Aaron:

• More focused on and attuned with reality
• More of a “man” (i.e. taking an active role in landscaping and excelling at work)
• More productive with his time (i.e. running errands with me, landscaping, making phone calls and reading)
• More sensitive to my needs
• More fun to be around; less withdrawn
• Less irritable, angry, insensitive, secretive, moody, defensive and absorbed
• More conversational (i.e. “How was your day?” versus “What in the world are doing home from work so early?”)
• More agreeable that gaming was a problem that would only lead to a great deal of more problems
• No longer obsessed to “get in X amount of hours per day in WOW”
• No longer deferring everything else in life (people and tasks) to do one particular thing (gaming)
• More attentive to eating regularly and personal hygiene

Changes in myself:

• No longer a “gamer widow”
• Never respected him more than I do now
• Feel needed and appreciated and connected – no longer neglected
• Happier and joy-filled
• Content that we spend more time together
• No longer feeling like I am competing with a game
• No longer feeling like I come second to a game – because I was first if he got rid of his game instead of me
• No longer questioning why I married a man who was married to his game
• No longer resentful of him when he occasionally stays up later than me (whereby it was to game before, it was now to read)
• Eager to be around him and talk to him – especially now that I feel I have his undivided attention
• Trust
• No longer fearful of what might have come if Aaron would have continued to play this MMORPG
• No longer having to make compromises solely for the sake of making him happy, because I knew that if I allowed him to play he would be most pleased
• More like a wife and less like a nagging mom
• No longer envious of my friends’ husbands whom did not play games
• More open (it had reached a point where the only thing I felt I had control of was to “close” myself off from him, both physically and mentally)

May 5, 2006

Well, Julie’s list of changes in both of us was both heartening and somewhat unexpected, because I think that I was simply blind to a number of the feelings that she was experiencing. I didn’t want too see them, because then I would have felt more guilty, not to mention have to take action on them if I actually acknowledged and validated them, and doing so would have been my undoing with WOW. As it ended up, she took the bull by the horns and ensured that there was no way I couldn’t address those feelings, and I think at first that really made me upset, because she was bringing into the light that which I chose not too see. Once that happened, it was incumbent upon me as her husband to take those issues to heart, and that lead us to the point where we now stand.

I think that Julie’s feelings were valid, but as per usual, part of me still wishes that there was a way to have kept that game and her both happy. The problem was that the game was happier than her, and reconciling that wasn’t something I had the ability to do. I’m just too devoted to a game when I play, which was of course an issue because my devotion should have been to her more than WOW. If I could just learn to put all my energies into more than one thing at a time it would be helpful, but with something as engaging as WOW, there just wasn’t enough time in the day for two marriages. I know that I chose the right one though, so now I’m happy too.

May 6, 2006

Well, I think that writing in this journal has taught me that it’s good to reflect upon events in our lives and ensure that we take the time to address our thoughts and feelings so that we can look back on them later. This journal has provided me with the opportunity to give an honest assessment of my feelings, guess as to how Julie was feelings and just vent some thoughts on paper. Right now I have a lot going on with finishing the yard and getting ready to travel to Offutt AFB, NE, so today’s entry will be a little short. Anyway, I think that I’m doing better coping with all this, which is good for Julie and I. I just hope that there aren’t any other big issues that come up like this, because I hate having a rift between Julie and me. She deserves the best, and I’m trying to provide that for her everyday.

May 7, 2006

I’m leaving for Nebraska tomorrow, but that should be a good experience for work purposes. Being away from Julie for a week won’t be that great, but this is such a good chance to learn more about my job, so I think that it needs to be taken advantage of. It’s a funny thing that I’ve had so little time to think about games lately, but I’ve just been so busy with landscaping, work and other things. That is what makes things so interesting about the whole game conflict that Julie and I had, because it seems that it could no longer be an issue at this point. When would I have time for games now, and how could I possibly fit that into my schedule? The truth is that I couldn’t with all that Julie and I have to do, so it would have inevitably been my fate to either stop or allow WOW to cause further issues. As it turns out, I think that the end of my gaming days was perfect timing, because the yard needed my attention at about the time that I stopped playing. I’m glad that Julie and I worked out this issue thought, because it’s hard when you realize that what you like isn’t getting the same reception from the one that you love. Sacrifices might be hard sometimes, but oftentimes they are a necessary thing to restore a balance. As per usual, I think a lot about my games and the world it encompassed, but that’s the past now, isn’t it?

I’ve noticed that my entries continue to get smaller over the weeks, but I think that perhaps this could be a number of things. One, I’ve simply run out of things to say due to the fact that I’ve talked about all that I can think of. Second, my feelings have been consistent enough that the initial feelings have all but abated. Three, I’m not sure what to say sometimes. I mean, I continue to think about gaming quite frequently, but it’s not so much now that it consumes me. In fact, I don’t really think that I miss games at this point, simply because I’m so busy with just getting through the days. Life has thrown a number of responsibilities my direction, and those have diverted my attention toward them and away from games. I think that this has been a positive thing for me, simply because I have to make the most of what time I do have to ensure that the necessities of life are taken care of. As much fun as it would be to sit and play games without having any concerns whatsoever, the fact is that life does have expectations, and so do the people that exist within it with me. Most notably, my wife needs a husband that is there for her and is willing to make the most of the time given to us both, and since video games didn’t mesh well between us, games had to be put to the wayside.

With all this in mind, I think that today will be my last entry. I’ve learned a great deal from this exercise and hope that it will benefit Julie and I in some way. While I think that I could keep writing in this journal, and I really don’t believe that the benefit of writing more would serve much of a purpose. I feel like I’ve gotten what I needed to out of this exercise, which was to put my thoughts and feelings on paper and help myself understand who I am a little better. That objective was met, and I know that I will take something from this. Thank you.

The Harbinger