Week 2 Journal Entries

Below here is the second week of a month-long journal that I kept after deciding that gaming was no longer going to be a part of my life. I will do my best to keep this all organized by week, so there should be two more much like this posting. After this my posts will either be a collection of random thoughts from different days, or just singular postings. Hopefully you all find this informative, enjoyable, or at least can identify with some of my descriptions or feelings in some way.

17 April 2006

Well, today I don’t feel much of anything because I’m just too busy with things, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t miss the game. I think that there was something inherently relaxing about just sitting in a chair and becoming lost in another world for a while. All the craziness of life just melts away as you become one with another existence. The only issue there is that everything else except that game becomes “muted.” To explain, the ability to experience the same levels of excitement or fulfillment from other things other than that game is muted, and the sound of the phone or my wife’s voice is muted. Once that game comes on, everything else goes to the backburner until the session is over, and the problem is that you don’t want that session to end. In fact, having to stop for the day or night always left a sour taste in my mouth, because I just wanted to keep going. In the interim, waiting for the next time to play is excruciating, and I think that it’s always been that way for me with gaming.

One of the most frustrating things about playing WOW was that I couldn’t really do any dungeons unless Julie was at work, simply due to the time requirement. You could easily spend 2-4 hours in a special dungeon with others, so you really had to focus and get it done while you had a group to help you. I remember a couple of times where Julie would either come home or try to talk to me while going through a dungeon, and boy did that not turn out well. It either took too long, or I would end up ignoring her while she was talking (not on purpose, of course), simply because you have to concentrate or die. Even in the evenings when I had 2-3 hours to play, getting through a dungeon could be difficult, so not being able to stay up past 12:00 am meant that I might have to log off prior to finishing a quest(s). That was really annoying, because it meant finding another group for yet another run through the same place again, and that caused some resentment and frustration when I came to bed, because I really wanted to be logged on completing what I had started.

Now, even if I was still playing the game, I would be making very little “real” progress, because the time needed to move by leaps and bounds just wouldn’t be available with the way our agreement would have worked. At times I think it would have been harder to keep playing after starting work, simply due to those time constraints, because when it comes to gaming, I need long periods of time and undivided attention to make thing happen, and all those things that “have” to be done right now (i.e. Julie, work, landscaping, exercise, errands, etc.) would definitely make enjoying my game quite difficult.

April 18, 2006

“My name is Hakkan, and I’m a level 38 Night Elf Rogue from the elvish city of Teldrassil, traveling through the tangled depths of Stranglethorn Vale. The heat here is oppressively beating down my morale, as is the constant onslaught of crocodiles, raptors, basilisks, tigers, panthers, gorillas, trolls, pirates and other foul beasts beset against me. I’ve taken numerous wounds on this foul day, and I’m endlessly tired from traversing through the thick underbrush and overgrowth that seems to entangle me at every step. Booty Bay, the port town in southern Stranglethorn, is far from here and I need rest. My brow is dripping with sweat, my palms are clammy, and my pulse quickens at the slightest movement. I’m wary and cautious, but it seems that the inhabitants of this land are set on destroying me no matter how quiet I am. This makes me nervous and excited at the same time, because those encounters create a rush like nothing else. While I realize that I will more than likely die and be resurrected by the spirits numerous times this day, I will complete the quests I swore to finish in helping free the land once again. The people need someone like me, and I’ll answer that call, because I’m inexorably drawn toward the danger, but there’s also an obligation to the world itself, and those working with me toward the same ends. My name is Hakkan, and I’m the reaper of death to the unrighteous, a savior to the upright and peaceful, and a demi-god in my own right.”

This was simply an exercise in first-person experience through the eyes of my character, but when playing WOW, there is a tendency to see yourself through their eyes, because the game is so engaging. If you concentrate hard enough, you are in the WOW sweating, bleeding, breathing hard from exertion and living the life of your “child.” I often referred to Hakkan as “my son,” because I created, nurtured and built him into a sleek, deft, and skilled killing machine. However, the feelings and physical sensations I described for Hakkan in first-person weren’t too far off from my own experiences outside the game. Whenever I got in a particularly difficult battle or entered a dungeon I would experience physical stressors, including such things as clammy palms, sweat on my upper back and forehead, and anxiety from worrying about getting killed. While my neurotransmitter dopamine was working overtime, I would also feel constant rushes from the excitement of situations, stress in deciding courses of action, and feel mentally tired from hours of game play and off-time strategizing. In short, the game gave me a mental workout, but also created easily observable physical side effects as well. In fact, I remember the constant nervous symptoms, such as bouncing my leg, biting my lip, tapping my fingers, or pacing while awaiting the arrival of other party members to a dungeon. The best part was when my heartbeat would increase, because I would lose some dexterity in my fingers (this impacted game play to some extent), and I found this particularly interesting.

I think today I feel okay about not playing, but again, I think about it quite a bit. There’s always that tugging at the back of my mind, or the thought process of attempting to find some way to cajole Julie into letting me play with some restrictions. While this is normal, I cannot seem to break the spell that WOW has cast upon me. I’m drawn like a magnet to the images that roil in my mind, the memories of my battles and conquests, and the knowledge that so many undiscovered adventures still await me should I ever return to that tortured land.

April 19, 2006

Well, today was another one of those really busy days working on the yard and spending more time and money in that venture than I would have liked. It’s funny, because a part of me sometimes feels like gaming is more a worthwhile endeavor than taking care of business. I know that it shouldn’t be, but for 20 years of my life, I tended to plan my days around games, not the games around the necessities. That obviously carried over to the WOW conflicts that Julie and I experienced, and that I do take responsibility for. I wonder if, had I played in shorter spans of time would it have bothered Julie less, or was it the very idea of a 28-year-old man playing games that caused the real problem? I’ve always felt like everyone was beset against me in the game playing arena of my life, because they saw so much potential and talent in other areas. For example, my love of reading, my ability to communicate with the written word (everyone I know wants me to write a book someday), or just the innate verbal and social abilities in relating with others that I seem to have.

For the most part, I’ve always felt that I earned the right to play games, simply because I was responsible in working toward further education, reading a great deal, excelling at work, and still having an active social life. However, as inconsequential as it seems, I put innumerable energies toward my perfection of playing and completing games, and this is something that I’ve always been skilled at. Games aren’t just about playing, but the planning, strategies and organizational functions of doing it right and getting the most out of a character within the allotted levels they can reach, while at the same time discovering everything and really taking it to the final boss or bosses. Especially with WOW, it was about status within that community and earning the respect of others with your level and rank within the battlegrounds. People look to those higher level characters for information, guidance, directions, or aid in their quests, and it felt good when I got to a point that I could volunteer to help others with the same areas that I had once needed aid in as well. It made me feel needed, accepted, revered and noteworthy. Not so much as a person in reality, but as a virtual character named Hakkan, and those feelings tend to carry over into your real life, because that virtual life becomes so intertwined into who you are.

Would I say that I’m a video game addict? I really don’t know, because I don’t play games at this point. All I know is that my marriage is better, but it came at the cost of losing a part of myself that I hold dear. Was it worth it? Of course, because I love my wife and don’t have to concern myself with whether or not my gaming hobby is interfering with my marriage now, but a part of me longs endlessly for that virtual fix and affirmation of knowing that a world of mystery and excitement is waiting just around the corner whenever I wish to return. It’s tough, but I’m moving forward and hoping to make the most of not playing games, while maybe finding some way to help others that might have questions about game addiction or conflict resolution within a relationship. I guess that I’ll finish this 90 day exercise and then see if anything comes from it.

April 20, 2006

Today I want to talk about the events leading up to the choice that ended my gaming career. I had been playing quite fervently during my time on terminal leave from the military, and was enjoying the time off that I had before starting my new job. Filling my hours with games seemed like a great idea, because it kept my mind busy and was enjoyable, but my life also seemed steeped in guilt about the time spent playing my game as well. What specifically was I feeling guilty about? Well, that I was playing with my game more than my wife, that I had to fudge the truth about how much I was playing each day, that I was more concerned with the game than almost everything else, that I was staying up to play my game after Julie went to sleep, that I was moody, defensive and antagonistic with Julie, and that many of the things I loved to do (i.e. reading, working out, etc.) were being put on the backburner. However, while that guilt did exist, I didn’t “really” feel guilty because I kept playing none-the-less, and even today I still wish that I was playing WOW.

Roughly twelve days after Julie and I had agreed upon a game playing regimen (I could play when she wasn’t home, when she was busy with something else, plus two nights during each week), Julie suddenly had a breakdown and asked me to quite playing. That request was like being bludgeoned upside the head with a paladin’s deadly mace, because I simply wasn’t expecting such a thing. After all, we had an agreement, an accord, and her request was a blatant refutation of that treaty we enacted together. Basically Julie asked me this: “If you had to make a choice between me and that game, what would you choose?” Now, I knew that this was more than just a rhetorical question, because she was beside herself with frustration, and Julie was simply at the end of her rope. I had to take some time to think about this…

That afternoon, after Julie arrived home and we had some time to talk, I thought that giving us both some space was a good idea. What I needed was some time to think and not be around Julie, because I was quite upset and didn’t want to say anything that I might regret later, so I packed up my things and went to stay with a friend for the night. The purpose of this time away was to decompress and make some sense of my situation, because these were some life-altering events coming into fruition. Now, another purpose of going to my friend’s house was to have one last chance to spend some time with Hakkan before his virtual burial. That’s right, I already knew before I left the house that my impending doom was sealed, because I sure wasn’t going to pick gaming over the life I have with Julie. Only a fool would do that, and I’m no fool!

These last sorrowful and bittersweet hours traversing the universe of WOW somehow lost their luster and were more or less unfulfilling, because I realized that they no longer had any meaning. This was the last time that I would fly on a hippogriff, purchase new daggers and equipment, brew poisons to slowly drain the life from my enemies, sneak up and stab someone in the back, join a group and storm a dungeon with reckless abandon, or any of those things that made WOW such a joy to immerse oneself in. The most depressing portion of that whole evening is when it turned night in WOW, because that is commonly time when the fewest people are logged on the server, and many of the town shops are closed. I was literally wandering around by myself on the server, and rarely did I meet anyone. Not only was Hakkan lonely and looking for some virtual human contact, but I myself was lonely and hurting. It was almost as if the game was empathizing with my plight, and night’s coming in the game was precluding to the end of my time in WOW. It was “…the deep breath before the plunge,” to quote Gandalf the White from The Return of the King by J.R.R. Tolkien. That night was one last glimpse; a final chance to say my goodbyes and retire from my career as a gamer. Needless to say, I wasn’t too happy about it.

Well, I didn’t end up staying the night at my friend’s house, but drove home at about 4:00 am to return to Julie. I felt dejected, afraid, resentful, depressed, misunderstood and alone, but I knew that we were eternal (as far as this life is concerned), which meant that I needed comfort from the very person who at that time I blamed for all my frustrations. I came home and lay next to Julie, not quite sure how I felt about her at that time, but realizing that somehow I needed her. This was vexing, because while I couldn’t help wanting to reestablish a connection with her, all I wanted to do was shut her out and nurture contempt for the pain she was ruthlessly heaping upon me. That didn’t really last long though, because I was just so drained and tired from the whole emotional aspect of that night.

The next day I went down to the computer with her and uninstalled the game from the hard drive, and it took me a while to tap that mouse. I mean, I was literally gritting my teeth with resentment, my mind racing in every direction trying to find a way out of it. My mind was full of panic, because all I could think of was trying to find some way around having to do this, of perhaps striking some last minute bargain that would enable me to keep playing. After the uninstall was complete, I could literally hear myself shut down, not unlike what a computer does when you chose to shut down your system (we all know that sound: the gradual slowing of the system as it discontinues processing information and applications stop running). It hurt, and I was angry for quite some time, and while Julie was happy about the finality of the act, all I could think about was what I would do to replace WOW. What would my life be like without gaming?

I know what life is like without gaming today, because I don’t play games anymore. That comes with its advantages and disadvantages, but somehow I feel more productive now that I don’t think about games all the time. While I loved the constant thought processes and challenges that games provided me, I know that there is so much that as a man and husband I need to do. That sucks sometimes, because that was what I loved so much about being single: my time was mine and I didn’t have to think about anyone other than myself. My only thought now is that the Lord took my games from me (using Julie as the Gabriel or Iris of His message) due to the fact that that I was being irresponsible with my time, placing the game before everything else, and trying to live the life of a single man while married. Julie was the harbinger of a message quite unwanted and feared by myself, because it meant giving up something that meant a great deal to me, but I got to keep something that meant more: my wife.

April 21, 2006

When I look back through my gaming career, I can’t think of anyone who I would call supportive of my hobby. My mother stated that they bought my first Nintendo in order to develop my hand-eye coordination for pitching in baseball, but after those initial years of playing games that slowly turned into a firmly entrenched habit for me. When I stop to think about it, the first RPG I ever played was The Legend of Zelda, and that was quickly followed by Dragon Warrior. After those two games, I was hooked on RPG’s, and this obsession lasted me for almost the entirety of my life thus far. Slowly but surely, I became a more dedicated gamer, and my family started to think that I should be using my time more wisely. Both my girlfriends in college couldn’t stand when I played games either, simply because they couldn’t talk to me when I was playing. Finally, along comes my wife with the same issues, so I can safely say that there was a pattern there. While I could say that this pattern is the fact that the opposition parties were all female, I think that it’s more along the lines of them thinking that I could be spending my time more fruitfully. I’ve always felt that females just inherently hate video games based on the fact that they are women and want the attention in their direction, but could it be possible that they just hated “me” playing games because of what that entailed?

My thoughts about whether or not people really like or accept my gaming hobby have always been that their opinions really don’t matter. I mean, I never asked anyone to like games, but I did expect that they wouldn’t attempt to convince me that they were a waste of time. My reasoning on this is thus: when someone enjoys something tremendously, it doesn’t really matter if others think along the same lines or like that hobby. What matters is whether or not the person engaging in said hobby finds it enjoyable, and if they find it of value and enriching, then that’s the value of said hobby right there. Now, if that hobby is immoral, unethical, physically or emotionally harmful to others, or causes relationship conflicts, then that’s a different story. A person simply not liking a hobby because they don’t understand it, find it dumb, or thinking that someone should be doing something else with their time isn’t really valid, because what matters is whether or not the hobby is meaningful to the party engaged in it. That would be like me telling someone that their interest in sports was stupid, which would be insulting to them. Acceptance of that hobby is not requisite for that hobby to have meaning for them, so all I’m really doing is invalidating them and stating that I don’t agree with a part of who they are. I’ve always been of the mind that whatever a person finds interesting automatically makes it valid, because it’s for them, not for me.

In my case, my hobby was causing relational problems with my wife, and while I could have cared less whether or not she felt that gaming was a waste of time, the only part that did matter was that it was causing issues between us. In other words, it wasn’t so much her reasons for disliking the hobby that mattered, but simply that it was creating a rift or void that shouldn’t have existed. Now, I could have been vehemently candid and just said that I wouldn’t give up playing games and would accept a limited hiatus, but that wasn’t going to solve our problem, so my only option was to submit to my wife and give up gaming for good. Do I resent her for that? No, I do not. I love my wife and will do anything and everything needed to ensure that our marriage is safeguarded and strong for the duration of our time here on earth. I don’t always have to like submission, but I am called to do so as a husband. I have mixed feelings about this at times and don’t understand the why, but understanding is not a requisite of submission. It’s simply an act that requires action, so my comprehension and justification from the other concerned party is really inconsequential to the act of submission. That’s not such an easy thing to swallow at times, but fighting it only makes proceeding acts of submission more difficult.

April 22, 2006

I’ve always had an interest in the dichotomy of good and evil, both from a theological and philosophical standpoint, and I think that’s why my interest in books, movies and RPG’s have been so strong. For the most part, our lives are a very real battleground where principles of good and evil exist, and I think that many people rationalize these principles through the pursuance of totality or self-actualization. We seek a purification or redemption of our sinful nature (e.g. evil) through faith, the accumulation of wisdom through understanding divine precepts and doctrine, and the life-long comprehension and acceptance of what we truly are (e.g. good). For centuries, scholars, theologians and philosophers have tried to shed light on the forces of good and evil, and I would say that there are certain aspects or dimensions of both that we cannot truly define or understand with our limited capacity to determine divine intent and reason. However, such principles and ideas are constantly analyzed and explored within the framework of literature, film and games, and I think that all three of these venues force us to ask questions and seek greater understanding of good and evil as paramount relevance to our own lives.

Now, while I feel painfully inadequate and unqualified to even broach such a subject, I think that I can speak to arguments of good and evil as they exist within the realm of gaming. Every RPG is inherently designed in order to provide a set of conflicting viewpoints, actions and ideas that create a storyline for the player, and the point of an RPG is the reconciliation of events leading toward a restoration of balance, or the conquering of good over evil. Virtually speaking, I am the determinant of whether or not the upright and just are protected, and whether or not the forces set against peace and tranquility are vanquished. It made me feel good to be that person, and helped me realize that seemingly insignificant people can have a definitive impact upon their world. I liked that sense of control and transcendence not allowed in reality, because it made me feel almost godlike within the game. In other words, I could be something that was altogether impossible in reality. Living such a savior’s role vicariously through a game was something I needed. The lack of control I have in my own life was given release through the control I felt virtually.

While this might sound dangerously close to a god complex, I think that many of us think about what our lives, and this world, would be like if we controlled things. All of us think we know what’s best, but the truth is that our very belief in that commonly implies that we don’t. While I’ve lost that sense of artificial control from games, I think that it’s good to realize that I do have very little control over things in my life, but that what matters is my reaction and acceptance of what happens to me. For example, I may not understand why I can’t play games anymore, but I do understand that I have to accept that fact and move forward with my life anyhow. I may want to play games, but I have to accept that it’s not going to happen.

April 23, 2006

Alright, today is the last day of the second week of journals. Anyhow, I think that one of the most unforgettable portions of WOW is the colors and realism of the surroundings. For example, I cannot forget the vibrancy and fluidity of color schemes used in Teldrassil or Darnassus (the above picture shows Moonglade, which is a section of Ashenvale on the continent Kalimdor), which are Elf cities toward the start of the game if you use a Night Elf. More than anything, the textures and mellifluousness of water in that game are simply amazing, and I actually liked to just stand and fish so that I could watch the water. The trees were amazing as well, with the dark greens, purples and blues mixed together. I think more than anything it was just the detail and care taken in making such an engaging and real world, and I applaud the concept artists, programmers and other staff at Blizzard for their dedication to a spectacularly original product.

All this is to say that I still miss playing that game, and would jump at the chance to play in a heartbeat. However, it wouldn’t be worth it unless I could go at it full boar and make a marathon out of it. Speaking of which, I was reading just the other day about a couple of programmers that actually moved to part-time with their company so that they could dedicate more time to WOW. Apparently they are just starting the game and hope to have their characters all prepared for the WOW Expansion Pack coming out in October, 2006. The point of this tangent is just to mention that we gamers are very dedicated people and take our games very, very seriously: serious as a heart attack!! Strangely enough, as a fellow (or should I say former) gamer their mindset in taking time to dedicate their lives to the conquering of a MMORPG makes a great deal of sense to me, especially if you can financially afford such an undertaking. Since I’ve always thought of work as a means to an ends only, and if it doesn’t hurt you financially, then more power to someone if they moved to part-time and played 6-8 hours on those days. I’ve never been one to judge what others do with their time, so while I don’t always agree with a lifestyle or choice of another, I’m not one to damn or demonize them either.

You know, there are few moments in a day that I don’t think about playing my game, so it makes me wonder if Julie worrying about me not thinking about the game while not playing even paid off. While I’m obviously not playing the game anymore, now I seem to think about it more, although I’m not reading game-pertinent material or strategizing. However, I cannot help but get on the websites and peak around a little bit here and there, or check the latest updated news of how the server is changing with the next upgrades coming. Does this constitute evidence of addiction that points toward culpability, or maybe my trying to hold onto at least some aspect tied to my gaming personality? Julie thinks that it just makes things harder on me looking at the websites, but it’s just so tempting!! For example, whenever we go into a store, I always nonchalantly make my way by the PC game section just to look at the box and look at the images. This sounds really stupid, and it probably is, but it’s the only link that I have left.

The Harbinger